Chemical Weapons Behind Latest Setback, Claim Ants
San Marcos, Guatemala – The local Guatemalan ant population is up in arms over alleged chemical attacks perpetrated by human insurgents last week in one of the most highly disputed sectors of the kitchen. A recent complaint filed with the Department of Kitchen Security claims that following a standard late night ant offensive the humans responded with deployment of toxic chemicals in direct violation of the Peanut Butter Knives on the Counter Act of 2010. One of the few survivors of the attack, Glen, explains.
“It was like the rest of my unit had forgotten all about protocol, they were just all rushing in, you know, without using any fancy hand signals or anything. It was like they couldn’t help themselves.
Don’t get me wrong, it smelled great, it really did. But still, there was something that just felt….wrong. You know, like, we’ve been up and down this wall a thousand times and we’ve somehow never noticed this luscious river of sugary goodness? Seemed strange, that’s all I’m saying.”
Latest reports estimate the death count to be in the thousands, a huge setback for the underfunded insect organization. Although, despite struggling to maintain morale and rebuild their shattered army they haven’t lost sight of their chief mandates. Despite his grief, Officer Glen was quick to state that he and his comrades will continue to fight until they’ve achieved their goals – a universal open fridge policy, the elimination of Tupperware, and endless crumbs for all.
Since very little has been happening on our end lately I’ll pass along a little something from guest columnist Laynni Locke:
So Bev has mentioned that we haven’t been doing very good on keeping everyone up to date with what we are doing. Which is mostly because we are doing so little that it doesn’t seem email worthy.
But in the interest of disclosure I will go through our daily routine with some attached pictures.
6:45 am Wake up, go up to roof and do an hour of yoga. (Laynni)
7:45 am Wake up, wander around in underwear and half-heartedly do some pushups and situps and a couple ball stretches. (Dean)
8:00 am Breakfast (cereal for Dean – he has been very lucky to consistently find milk and toast, eggs and cut up old baked potatoes for Laynni).
8:15 Read – Laynni; internet – Dean.
9:15 Look at each other and say, ‘we should go swimming’.
9:30 Finally put on bathing suits and wander down to dock to sit in sun til warm then dive in (Dean) and slither in. (Laynni)
9:50 Sit on dock and warm up again – chat with anyone else who has come down for a swim, ignore the workers looking at the white chick in a bikini.
9:59 Hop on left foot while hitting head with right hand. (Dean)
10:15 Read – Laynni (consider having a nap); internet – Dean.
12:00 Either gear up to head into San Marcos for lunch or make lunch at home. (Laynni)
12:30 Do dishes. (Dean)
12:40 Read or internet or write (grants – Laynni; other – Dean).
3:00 Watch an episode of Grey’s Anatomy – Laynni; consider a nap – Dean.
5:30 Watch the workers get picked up by a boat.
5:32 Put on running shoes and go out to do stairs (got to get the heart rate up somehow – and we figure that the guys that work here already think that we are weird without them watching us run up and down the stairs for no apparent reason).
6:30 Start making supper. (Laynni)
7:15 Do dishes. (Dean)
7:30 Start our nightly TV – Dean has strictly set up our TV schedule and there is no deviating.
9:00 Close the curtains around the bed and read. (Laynni)
9:20 Plaintively call out ‘light’ and get Dean to come turn off the light so I don’t have to move; go to sleep.
10:15 Dean goes to bed.
Then we start all over again.
Now, just a couple things to add:
– We’ve been taking full advantage of the ability to check digital books out of the Saskatoon Public Library from 5,437 kilometres away. Does it seem unfair that we have more rights than the cheap bastard who thought he was clever for putting all the bills in his roommate’s name and now has no way to prove he lives in Saskatoon and cannot get a library card because, let me tell you, those library ladies do not bend. They ask no quarter, although will occasionally give one, if you ask nice.
· Been on a real insect killing binge lately. The ants are in full retreat, and the scorpions have taken some heavy casualties but the spiders, well, they just don’t seem to get it, man.
· Oh yeah, and we’re pretty sure we’ve got an international espionage agent living in our midst. That is, if drunken speculation can be believed. Just sayin’.
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Household Tips with Laynni Locke
Apparently, it makes sense to specifically lug two really large plastic cups aaall the way down to Guatemala, one for her and one for me, because the cups here always seem to be small and it’s really hard to find bigger ones. Anyway, apparently it also makes sense, in light of the fact we brought two cups all the way down to Guatemala, that hers is always mysteriously empty forcing her to only ever drink out of mine. Even when I explicitly filled it up for me, because I was thirsty, obviously? But she drinks it anyway. All the time. All the damn time.
Frase de Espanol de la Semana (Spanish Phrase of the Week)
“Parece su abuela es muy susceptible sobre suyas pechos. Yo tomo una más ron y coca, por favor.”
“It seems your grandmother is very sensitive about her breasts. I’ll have another rum and coke, please.”
Weekly “Californication” Quote That Made Me Sit Up and Say “Oh no you di’int”
“Pedophiles aren’t very likeable either, Eddie.”
“It’s a fine line, isn’t it?”
Looking ahead to next week…
Can practicing mixed martial arts really help you grow a tail?
Brought to you from sunny Lago de Atitlán, Tropical Depression free for 9 days.