News from around the lake…
Internacional Football Club As Bad As Originally Suspected
San Juan la Laguna – Local expat club Internacional were humbled last week, eliminated from the playoffs by a much younger, and suspiciously quicker, Palestina side by a score of 5-3. A number of comfortable late season victories against inferior opposition had successfully overshadowed a difficult and largely unsuccessful start to the season back in September. But on a hot, sunny day on the Campo de Futbol in San Juan the short but surprisingly spry legs of the Guatemalans proved the difference as Inter’s much older, and somewhat beer- and smoke-addled, bodies ground to a virtual standstill as the game wore on. Some opportunistic goal scoring gave Inter the lead early on and the score line went back and forth for the better part of 60 minutes before a brutal combination of sunstroke, age and unclean living led to a sharp decrease in both energy and skill for the flagging Inter players
Other than a pair of encouraging, but ultimately fruitless, Mark Crawford headers that were cleared off the goal line by industrious little Guatemalan fellows, Inter’s final half hour was mainly characterized by desperate attempts to get rid of the ball as soon as possible, or standing motionless with hands on knees red-faced and gasping, occasionally spitting in a half-hearted and messy fashion. Internacional winger Dean Johnston chalked the loss up to the unexpected heat and unfamiliar 1 pm kickoff.
“Usually our games have (gasp) been at either 11 or 3. (sigh) 1 was a bit different for us. (spit) Those cement walls really trap the heat. (pant) Who would have thought it would be so hot. (wheeze) The sun, she was really beating down. (blink, blink) Those little buggers were quick, too. (deep breath) Good team. (hiccup) Tough loss. (swallow) I’m just gonna, um, sit down for a minute now (puff), if you don’t mind (eyes closing).”
Slovenly Man Publicly Announces Need To Keep Low Profile
San Pedro la Laguna – Cleverly disguised in a filthy t-shirt, low-hanging shorts and unkempt beard, an American man loudly explained to the entire boat that his main reason for being in Guatemala was to remain in hiding from the U.S.
authorities, many of whom are currently attempting to locate him with regard to an outstanding narcotics charge. After deciding on the quiet Lago de Atitlán area as the perfect place to lay low and avoid detection, he further enhanced his concealment by dramatically switching his identity from American drug dealer to expat American drug dealer.
“It’s perfect, bro, it’s the last thing they’d expect” he explained.
He also vehemently rejected the suggestion that his unwashed clothes, pungent body odour and numerous broken teeth were all part of the disguise.
“Shit no, man, the teeth, that happened up at a bar in Mexico. Buggers jumped me, bro, all bent outta shape cuz I couldn’t pay for all the rounds I ordered for the bar, like they couldn’t tell there was no way I was paying for that shit! C’mon, seriously. And what the hell you talking about, my clothes? That’s just spaghetti sauce, there, and, hey, what the hell’s it to you?”
He also refuted the possibility that continuing to engage in illegal activities while on the run would hinder his ability to lead a normal life or connect with people in a meaningful way.
“Are you kidding me, man? The girls love a bad boy, ya feel me? Like, just last night, this chick, she’s being all bitchy and shit, saying how I wouldn’t know what to do with a girl if I ever got one, you know, and I tell her, shit, don’t you worry about that, chica, cuz believe me, if she was lucky enough to hook up with me she’d be in for the time of her life, cuz I definitely know my way around a set a titties, if ya know what I mean.”
He drove home the point with a series of lewd gestures, only stopping when he seemed to pull a muscle in his hip, and to offer a joint for 20 quetzales, or three for 40.
Canadian Couple Moves Out Of Rental Apartment As Planned
San Marcos la Laguna – Canadian pair Dean Johnston and Laynni Locke vacated the apartment they had been renting for the past three months right on time Wednesday morning, exactly as stated in their rental agreement.
Despite the increasingly sunny weather and adequately clean condition of the lake water, both flatly denied even proposing any complicated last-minute changes to their planned itinerary. Instead they rose early, packed, then boarded a lancha to Panajachel to catch the shuttle they had booked days earlier in hopes of making it to Antigua to spend the night in Hotel Casa Cristina, to stay in a room they had reserved not weeks, but in fact months earlier.
When questioned about this strangely foreseeable departure, Locke merely shrugged, and made some vague comments regarding Christmas, Opa, and salsa classes in Mazatlán. Even news of temperatures in Saskatchewan dipping below -30 Celsius failed to significantly affect their demeanor, with Johnston explaining,
“Wow, that cold there, huh? Yikes. That is really going to suck. Hope mom brings our jackets to the airport.”
When asked if this sort of predictability was part of a conscious decision to make travelling smoother and less eventful, not to mention less interesting to read about, he replied,
“Yeah, I know, right? Weird”, obviously having not entirely grasped the point of the question.
Unpleasant Hangover Once Again Leads To Change Of Plans For Backpacker Pair
San Pedro la Laguna – Despite having created an extensive list of grand plans for their last full day on Lago de Atitlán, transient backpackers Dustin and Grant found themselves unable to complete any of the proposed activities. Hampered by extreme fatigue, debilitating headaches and mouths that stubbornly remained dry regardless of how much water they consumed, one after another of the ambitious undertakings conceived within a haze of Gallo and 2 for 1 tequila shots the previous evening slowly fell by the wayside. First among them the early morning hike to Indian Nose where they would have enjoyed spectacular views as the sun rose majestically from behind the imposing volcanoes. Considering the situation – having only returned to their hotel room a brief hour earlier, and Dustin being woefully unsure of the exact location of his pants at that point – they opted to ignore the guide’s 4 am knock on their door, Grant rousing himself only after a safe interval to vomit loudly before returning to bed, moaning and wallowing in self-pity. Later, while slowly forcing down a full English breakfast at Alegre Pub around noon, it was determined that renting kayaks to paddle across to the lake to the swimming platforms at San Marcos was no longer either a necessary nor desirable course of action, but that, in fact, a little hair of the dog and maybe a nap were the wiser choices.
“Um, you know, I’m perfectly fine with going and all, I mean it’ll be a blast I’m sure, but, well, we don’t have to go kayaking if you don’t, like, really want to. I’m fine either way”, vacillated Dustin.
“No, hey, I’m all for it, of course, and that French couple will be waiting for us, too, so, yeah, we should probably go. But if you really don’t want to, well, you know, I could live with it”, admitted Grant.
“Hey, whatever, man, I’m easy. I’d love to go but, sure, if you want to do it another time, I’m good with that”, replied Dustin tentatively.
“Your call, bro. Obviously we can kayak anytime, you know. So, yeah, that’s cool”, said Grant, sounding rather relieved.
Sunset yoga did not end up happening either, having simply slipped their minds as a result of the highly competitive game of Jag-bomb poker that evolved as the afternoon wore on.
Aris, the Israeli guy, arrived at around 10 pm, reminding them in a fairly irritated tone that they were supposed to have met him at 7 at Zoola for dinner. A pair of free litres of beer served to win back his good graces, and soon the conversation turned to mañana, with several other new acquaintances eagerly joining in to put together a tremendously fun and exciting schedule of events they could all enjoy together the following day.
Area Couple Thrilled with Acquisition of More Sausage
Crying Baby Refuses to Listen to Reason
Reason for Dog’s Continuous Barking Remains a Mystery
Couple Travelling World with Dog Pissing Everyone Off, Reports Everyone
Clothes Washed In Bathtub Described as “Clean Enough”
Sun Doing a Great Job of Drying Underwear
Mortally Wounded Fly Regrets Landing on That Guy’s Pillow
Ongoing Battle with Flies Slowly Destroying Man’s Spirit
Hauling Away Dead Fly Buys Ant a Couple More Days Of Life
Group of Complete Strangers Loses Televised Sporting Event, Ruins Man’s Entire Day
Refried Beans Still Taste Much Better Than They Look
Woman Describes Latest Nap as Unsatisfying
Couple Silently Agree to Back Out of Strenuous Hike
Divorced Woman Kickstarts Exciting New Life Chapter with Purchase of Cheap Bracelet
Well, that does it for our latest Guatemalan adventure. Now in Antigua for a quick one night visit, then flying back home tomorrow. Icy roads, scraping windshields and, best of all, Christmas shopping in absurdly packed malls. Culture shock, anyone?