The Nepal Tribune

Tibetan Layover Marred By Girl’s Inconvenient Collapse

A couple travelling from Chengdu, China to Kathmandu, Nepal were surprised to learn they would actually be exiting the plane in Lhasa, Tibet (China), giving them a brief opportunity to set foot on Tibetan soil, or at least some Tibetan all-purpose tile and a few Tibetan decorative carpets. Their overall enjoyment of this unexpected treat was soon derailed, however, when they encountered a Chinese girl standing in the passageway just outside the door of the plane. According to the husband, Dean Johnston, he first noticed her because she was leaning her head against the window, looking “kind of weird”, and he found himself very curious to know what it was she was looking at so intently. As he moved toward her, however, suddenly her suitcase toppled over, surprising him, then immediately she began to collapse toward the floor. Instinctively he caught her and eased her to the ground, then, after a moment of thought, began to belligerently holler at bystanders to go for help as he had seen numerous times in movies. Unfortunately, whether because of the language barrier, or possibly taking exception to his imperious tone, the crowd seemed content to stare blankly, most with hands in pockets, the others still checking to see if they had a phone signal yet. Eventually his wife, Laynni, went herself, returning to the plane and attempting to summon one or more of the flight attendants. Unsure of what she was asking, they continued to direct her off the plane, repeatedly explaining that “Kathmandu transfer, that way” accompanied by tight, patronizing smiles. Meanwhile, Johnston remained surrounded by onlookers and, unsure of what to do, chose to brush the hair out of her face as “it seemed like a nice thing to do”, an action he argues was not at all creepy, no matter what some people say. Another man finally knelt down and checked her pulse and seemed reasonably satisfied with his findings, a course of action Johnston claims to have considered, but ultimately discarded, as he “had no idea what he would have done with that information, anyway”. Eventually some airline personnel arrived and took charge of the situation, at which point Johnston and Locke looked at each other, shrugged, then continued on to the transit lounge where they shared a chocolate bar, then read for a while.

The Scene

After Seeing “Everest” Movie Couple Wishes They Had Never Done Everest Hike

Despite having recently completed the two-week Everest Base Camp trek to Kala Pattar, a Canadian couple were wracked by serious doubts after viewing the new movie “Everest”. The movie follows the harrowing tale of several groups of climbers in 1996 attempting to summit the highest mountain in the world when a combination of an unexpected storm and some ill-advised decisions lead to disaster. Even though the couple did not attempt the summit, and only spent about 15 minutes at their highest reached altitude of 5,600 metres, they were still struggling with nagging second thoughts following the traumatic tale of death and awful power of nature. When it was pointed out that they had already completed their expedition safely and with only the minor discomfort of several days of sickness, they were quick to dismiss this detail as “minor” and “frankly irrelevant”, claiming that had they known the weather was unpredictable and that altitude could lead to health problems they would never have chanced it. When asked what difference it makes now, after the fact, they explained as follows:

“Just because it all worked out in the end, the fact that we were unaware of the dangers, that’s the main point. I mean, did you see the movie? That cocky Texan dude loses his nose! I like to wear hats quite a bit, and do you have any idea how dumb I would look wearing a hat with no nose? Well, me neither, because I don’t think I’ve ever actually seen that, but I can’t imagine it looks too cool. In the end, it just wasn’t worth the risk. I feel kind of duped.”

Subconsciously ready to make a run for it

Local Goat Suspicious of Sudden Kindnesses

Sonam, a 2-year old male goat hailing from the Bhaktapur region, expressed concern Tuesday regarding the number of positive changes suddenly taking place in his life. After spending his entire young life to this point suffering through varying degrees of pain and drudgery, he told reporters he was hesitant to trust these unexpected pleasures.

“Normally I spend most of my day trying to sneak off to look for grass, or even trash, or feces, or whatever else I can find to eat, and most of the time the herder spots me and lays the switch to me long before I can get anything into my stomach, even the slimiest shit from the other goats. It doesn’t stop me from trying, of course, but I’ve learned not to get my hopes up too high. And don’t even get me started on humping. It seems I barely even get my dick out of its little sheath and there’s the herder, chasing me off. Even when I think I can catch him off-guard by mounting another male, he’s still having none of it. Now, here we are, suddenly not only welcome at the Dashain festival, but allowed to fraternize in big groups, nobody smacking at us all the time, and they even gave us whole big swaths of delicious green grass to eat. And whenever it runs out they just bring us more, like they are our servants or something. The best part, though, is I’ve been just humping up a storm and nobody seems to care. Males, females, I even went to town on that chair over there for a while, which wasn’t great, but I’ve always wondered what it would be like, you know, so it was nice to give it a shot.”

Upon returning the next day to conduct a follow-up interview, we were told Sonam was unavailable for comment, having being ritually slaughtered to provide luck in the coming year, along with every other goat in town.

Sonam Gets Lucky

Ancient Bhaktapur Architecture Appears Even Older Than Last Time, Claims Man in Ball Cap

A foreign man wearing a strangely bird-adorned hat expressed amazement Wednesday at the state of Bhaktapur’s large variety of UNESCO World Heritage sites. Reportedly the man had visited Bhaktapur on numerous occasions dating back to 2008 and 2011, at which times many of these buildings, temples and shrines were already over 500 years old, yet he claimed to notice a significant change in just the past 4 years.

“Maybe it was the earthquake, but things just look a bit rougher around the edges now. I mean, obviously there is a lot of earthquake damage, too, with some buildings actually collapsed and big piles of bricks all over the place, and lots of buildings being sort of propped up by wooden beams, which doesn’t really seem like a long-term solution, but what else can they do, right? Anyway, besides all that, even the buildings that don’t seem actually damaged just look, I don’t know, dustier or something. Who knows, though, maybe it’s just been a dry fall.”

When pressed for more details the man shrugged and became somewhat agitated, claiming it was more a feeling than anything, and refusing to cite any further evidence of his controversial claims, awkwardly shifting topics to his surprise at how few people have recognized or commented on his Blue Jays hat. When asked why even the bird’s beak is blue he stomped off angrily, mumbling about it just being a logo, and how nobody around here gets it.

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In other news:

Canadian Woman Changes Facebook Status to “Clean”

Couple Sleeps Past 5:30 AM, Celebrates With Awkward High Five

Hikers Have Entire Wardrobe Washed, Now Reluctant to Wear Anything

Tourists Purchase Snacks, Fix Backpack, Describe Day as “Full”

Lunatic Raving about Unwanted Olives Fails to Mention How Great Pasta Tastes

Large Bucket of Movie Popcorn “Not Even Close to Enough”, Claims Man

Dashain Crowds Make Tourist Feel Tall, Tense

Chinese Documentary Immediately Erases Dull Footage of Canadian Couple

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