Bringing you all the news and noteworthy happenings from the plains of Saskatchewan to the Pacific coast of Mexico…
Family forgoes peace and goodwill to man, opts for drunken gambling
Martensville, SK – In a bold new initiative, the Johnston family decided against traditional holiday season activities of feeding the poor and door-to-door caroling. Claiming that common routines of spreading good cheer and making the world a better place had started to grow stale, they instead unanimously chose to spend their annual Christmas period focused a variety of exciting new pursuits aimed at spicing things up.
“Usually for us it’s all about the spirit of giving, and wearing funny pyjamas, and taking a few minutes every now and then to cry a little bit about the state of Africa,” explained Dean, eldest son. This year, though, I thought it might be interesting to try something new, so I convinced everyone to get together as a group and drink, like, 500 beer or something, then gamble for a long, long time.”
Overall the arrangement was a big success, claims Johnston, citing great satisfaction at personally winning the final big pot of the night.
“No, if I hadn’t won that last one I’d probably be singing a pretty different tune, since by that point there was really a lot of trash-talking and, wow, a lot of swearing, too. I was pretty drunk and I really felt I needed to stick it to the rest of those pricks. So it was really gratifying to pull in that last bowl of quarters. Although in the morning dad had ended up with most of the quarters, and we think I sold them to him, but nobody really knows for sure, so maybe I did get screwed in the end. Wouldn’t surprise me, really, not with that crowd.”
In other Martensville news:
Man heavily mixes alcohol and cold medication, calls it holiday tradition
Parents report children even more excited than usual to destroy whole new set of toys
News from the resorts
“Child Zoo” business model working perfectly, agree vacationing parents
Nuevo Vallarta, Mexico – Sun-burnt families enjoying the widely varied facilities of Marival Resort & Spa expressed broad approval of the company’s new mandate, according to an informal poll held at the swim-up bar Tuesday. Following the general trend in Mexican vacation resorts, Marival has slowly been changing their focus from cultural experiences and enjoyment of nature toward hands-free parenting and general damage control. While previously these vacations emphasized family bonding and shared experiences, over time it became clear the volatile nature of children, the unpleasant noises they make on an ongoing basis and the intense boredom of building sand-castles with uncoordinated toddlers all combined to make this an unsustainable business model. Some parents were on the verge of discontinuing these annual vacations altogether prior to the changes.
“At some point you have to just sit back and look at it logically, you know, like I only get three weeks of holidays a year, and do I really want to spend a third of that time chasing those monsters around the beach? Like I have nothing better to do than to spend twenty minutes burying Jared in the sand, constantly having to tell him to stop moving, only for him to get bored after twenty minutes and start crying about it, saying he doesn’t want to be buried any more, but now he’s suddenly got to pee, even though he just refused to go when we were by the bathroom half an hour ago, and then he really, really wants me to take him boogie boarding. Yeah, right, then we’ll just get out there far enough for the waves to start hitting my crotch and suddenly he’ll be, like, Dad, I hate boogie-boarding, I want to play catch. With the football we left at home, because, of course, the ball we have here just won’t work, that ball is apparently just too shitty for Prince Jared.”
Stories like these appear to be quite common, which has led to an overall change in theme from family co-operation to a highly automated system of children’s entertainment designed to relieve the parents of the burden of constant supervision. In fact, when organized properly, it is possible for particularly indifferent parents to go hours at a time without even setting eyes on their troublesome little rugrats. As a result, for most parents, including one rather inebriated woman lounging half-asleep by the adult pool, the changes have been entirely positive.
“Did you bring me another mojito? Oh, wait, you’re not…sorry, what was the question again? Oh, my kids, yeah, no, um, yeah, they’re around here somewhere…I think they’re in that pool…or maybe that was earlier…oh, yeah, the arcade. I think at least one of them is in the arcade. I mean, probably, or the ocean, but there are lots of other kids around, I’m sure it’s fine…hey, did I tell you about all the sunscreen I put on them this morning? No, as a mom I take that stuff pretty seriously, you know. And they’re definitely going to be drinking a glass of water with supper. That’s non-negotiable.”
In other Puerto Vallarta news:
Large stockpile of vodka in plastic cups tragically wasted as drunk man opts for bed
Couple carrying backpacks converged on by resort security
Kiddie-pool urine content down to all-time low of just 68%, claims Marival VP of Urine
Emergency response unit summoned to self-serve ice cream station
News from around Rincon de Guayabitos
Mexican man sitting placidly in sand-hole quite pleased, claims man in hole a bit farther down
Playa Guayabitos, Mexico – Bystanders crowded around Thursday to see Alfredo Juarez, 38-year old father of 6, and admire his particularly deep and especially round sand-hole. Despite the great number of sand-holes being enjoyed this busy week following Año Nuevo, veteran hole-diggers, such as Jorge Rodriguez of Tepic, were quick to point out the unusually high quality and impressive depth of Alfredo’s latest hole.
“I’ve lived in Mexico my whole life, so obviously I’ve seen my share of sand-holes. Dug plenty, too. And, sure, some of them have been pretty impressive. I mean, my papi used to dig us some pretty great holes when we were young, but he also liked to drink while he dug – those big warm one-litre jugs of beer? – and it seemed like he always lost interest or passed out before it ever got deep enough to fit a whole car in there, let alone half a dozen adults. Alfredo, though, you could tell he was determined to stick with it, no matter how drunk he got. He just stayed focused, made it so round, so deep. Once he sat down you could barely see his glassy eyes, and you had to lean right over the edge if you wanted to see his tank-top tan. All in all, it was really just the perfect hole. I see why he looked so satisfied. I mean, he was most likely just pissing away in there and nobody could even tell.”
According to Juarez, his magnificent Thursday hole was a fortunate combination of hard work, perfect conditions and simple good luck. He was only able to use the family’s little plastic shovel once in a while, mostly when his kids were off playing in the ocean, so spent many hours digging methodically with nothing but his hands and, occasionally, an empty cigarette pack. But Alfredo knew from experience that you could work as hard as you want but there are still some things that are beyond even a veteran sand-holer’s control.
“Obviously, you need to find the right distance from the water. Too close and it gets washed away, too far and the sand’s too dry, you may as well try to dig in a ball pit. Then it all comes down to a solid base of wet sand, and you never know what you’re going to find until you get down there a ways. Then you just have to hope no kids come running over and wreck your sides. Because there are lots of good sand-holes out there, but to be truly great, the kind a man can really settle into and spend the day, you need yourself some nice, sharp sides.”
Juarez was non-committal when asked if he planned to try for an even better sand-hole the following day, simply shrugging and saying he wasn’t sure, he expected to be pretty hung over.
In other Guayabitos news:
Inflatable turtle repeats as top-seller, dusty floating dentist chair again goes unpicked
Woman at next breakfast table loudly self-diagnosing latest rash deems results inconclusive
Toddler throwing sand at fleeing sibling continues to come up short
After half-hour in discarded ceviche line, pelican realizes he forgot wallet at home
Brightly coloured paint job accurately predicts rowdy hotel full of children
Grown man rings bell at top of stripper pole after just two tequila shots, authorities search for answers
Mexican family’s loud nightcap revolves around several litres of Coke, large bag of onions
Expat finally drunk enough to share every joke he’s ever heard
Smoked pork chop leads to inappropriately orgasmic noises
Skin cancer coming along nicely, confirms leathery old man
Man unaccountably nostalgic regarding damp napkin wrapped around beer
Retired RV couple thrilled to secure final spot in cramped, dismal cement enclosure
Street tacos near RV park priced to guarantee rave reviews among Caucasians
Mexican beach band sets self apart with energetic tuba, guy hitting coffee can with stick
Man enjoying long walk on the beach surprised by lack of soulmate encounters