We closed out our “90 days in Spain” adventure with a 10-day stint on the beautiful hiking island of La Gomera. Just a short ferry ride across from Tenerife, it benefits from a steep, forested terrain that makes it ideal hiking territory. An added benefit is being close enough to Tenerife that almost every hike provides bonus views of good old Mount Teide, some of which are just as good, or better, than those on Tenerife itself. With a fairly meagre bus network and trailheads spread widely all over the island, most visitors rent a car to get around. We joined the crowd on that front, looking forward to the added freedom of having our own wheels, plus it’s always a benefit to refresh my manual transmission skills – a standard, and the tiniest model possible, the obvious result when you always you choose your rental based solely on price. It worked well, though, because Gomera’s many tiny, one-lane roads are inevitably even further congested by yet another proud Spanish tradition – illegal parking, and the smaller the car the less you had to back up whenever unfortunate timing brought you face to face with oncoming traffic, although the standard transmission was occasionally less than helpful whenever these “Canarian showdowns” also took place halfway up yet another 45 degree incline.

Nonetheless, the hiking was amazing, the weather mostly great (incredible, if you consider it was already December), the food passable and the scenery consistently enthralling. For more on this breaking story, I invite you to read a bunch more crap:

Rental Apartment Dazzles with Parquet-Themed Linoleum

Vallehermoso – Popular short-term rental property, Casa Toño, impressed tourists last week with its splendidly erratic decorative theme. The overall décor, claim the astonished couple, not only featured the fairly standard russet satin bed cover, but also proved abnormally committed to an incomprehensible and confusing overall look. Along with the dated linens and bubbling linoleum designed to look like an ironic facsimile of a mediocre-quality parquet floor, the apartment also featured a giant conch on the wall, a vast collection of velour pillows scattered throughout the space, and one of those industrial-design flowered couches that force your head toward your knees while sitting.

“The flowery furniture definitely got our attention, and you couldn’t really miss the huge armoire full of those silver-trimmed plates and glasses that nobody ever knows when to use, but when I realized they were also rocking several stained vases full of fake flowers, well, I could tell these people have their own vibe, you know, and definitely don’t give a shit what anyone thinks.”

Reports also mentioned the excellent view of Vallehermoso from the bedroom window and, while plugging in the toaster shuts down electricity throughout the entire apartment, ancient Mayan tenants will be excited for the unlimited use of a traditional mortar and pestle set.

Gomeran Authorities to Loosen Clothing Restrictions

San Sebastian de Gomera  Tourists across the mountainous island of La Gomera rejoiced Friday, thrilled by the announcement that the previously constricting dress code will now be loosened to allow for much more flexibility and personal choice. Traditionally, Gomeran visitors have been required to resemble as closely as possible either someone on the cover of Backpacker magazine or, particularly for those older tourists, a determined safari adventurer determined to test their own personal limits.  The new changes, however, mean that avid hikers (the only encouraged tourism demographic on the island) will no longer find it necessary to wear hiking boots, but will now have the luxury of opting for hiking shoes, if they see fit. Functional, quick-drying shorts remain mandatory, although they will no longer require the power to change back into pants through the magic of a zipper. Merino wool and performance polyester will both be acceptable for shirts, but cotton and wit will remain banned, along with anything sleeveless. The announcement came as welcome news to many tourists who are excited to be able to expand their wardrobe while on La Gomera.

“I’m absolutely thrilled!” exclaimed Canadian fashionista, Dean Johnston. “It just feels so good to be myself, you know. It’s not like I can’t appreciate a sensible pair of ball-hugging quick-dry underwear, and when it comes to history’s greatest scientific accomplishments, I’d say merino wool is right up there with penicillin and whitening toothpaste. Honestly, how can you hike in the same sweaty t-shirt for days and not have it start to smell? That’s some voodoo-level shit right there. But it’s still super-awesome to get out of hiking mode every once in a while and just let go, with a sharp pair of chinos, and maybe a cool flannel shirt. It’s important to look fly.”

While lewdly revealing flip flops are still limited to beach use only, visitors can apply for special dispensation to wear jeans at pre-approved times and locations. These trendy applicants must produce three pieces of picture identification, at least one of which shows how the applicant’s ass looks in denim, as well as sign a waiver stating that despite their desire to wear jeans, they still acknowledge the vast superiority of rugged, lightweight hiking trousers. A variety of wardrobe exceptions may also be made for those who can demonstrate a proficiency with walking poles at least equivalent to “elderly woman grimly focused on exercise walk through the mall.”

In Other News

Junk Food Sales Still Main Source of Profit, Claims Overpriced Ferry Service

Christopher Columbus Used to Visit La Gomera, Claims Every Single Gomeran Tourism Resource Ever Produced

 

Gomeran Department of Transportation approves 1 kilometre-long straight stretch of road on trial basis

Touring couple set new record, traverse 45 kilometres of Gomeran roads in just 2 ½ hours

Study shows 78% of rental car drivers considers upcoming corners “a complete mystery”

Skeptical traveller in quiet village spends uneasy night ear plug-free

Canadian couple feeling pressure with just 8 of 86 Gomeran hikes completed

Milk removed from all supermarket coolers to make space for 22 more very similar flavours of yogurt

Optimistically-named “trade winds” arrive with cargo of irritating African sand

Scientists refute theory that ancient El Silbo whistling language originally derived from “Paradise by the Dashboard Lights”

Lengthy investigation discredits claim that local “laurisilva” forest named after the Mexican chick you met at the bar that time

Tourist finds description of “meat stew” to be thrillingly accurate

Couple describes 4-hour hike with 700 metres of elevation gain as “tiring”

Local residents suspect neighbour dog barking mainly for attention