Recently, a magnificent journey was undertaken, one with unexpected, yet far-reaching consequences. Designed around the focal point of a 50th birthday extravaganza in Montana, this short 2-week trip also included some mountain hiking, fledgling mountain biking, and a constant and ongoing battle to keep milk, meat, cheese, and chocolate edible using only store-bought ice and a low-quality London Drugs cooler. Everything else that follows is pure speculation, hearsay, and occasional wishful thinking.
Sask Tourist Discovers Rare Dinosaur Bones
August 9, 2018
Drumheller, SK – A Saskatchewan man is being credited with the discovery of rare ankylosaurus bones in Drumheller this week. Dean Johnston, 45, was hiking in popular Horsethief Canyon, west of the famed dinosaur capital of Western Canada, when he came upon a leg bone and partial skull of what he allegedly recognized as an ankylosaurus, a rare creature that resembled an armour-plated lizard and has been extinct for roughly 66 million years. Johnston claimed to have stopped to urinate directly on the path, explaining that the canyon’s general lack of tree cover provided no reason to venture far, when he noticed his tepid stream splashing onto what appeared to be “some pretty old bones or something”. After nudging the remains slightly away from his rapidly evaporating puddle, he says that he poked at them briefly before realizing he had inadvertently made a major archaeological discovery.
“Obviously, I wasn’t expecting to find hundred-million-year old dinosaur bones when I climbed down into the valley. The funny thing is, I almost skipped the canyon altogether since it was still, like, 36 degrees at 7 pm. But, hey, when you drink as much water as I do, you still gotta pee every half-hour, even when it’s just scorching hot and you’re sweating like a Scotsman waiting to pay the bill. Lucky for me, though! A modern-day Indiana Jones. Ha ha.”
Johnston, described by inside sources as a heavy drinker who enjoys hiking alone and designing extraneous spreadsheets, has publicly declared that he has no intention of personally profiting from the discovery.
“I’m just glad it was someone like me that found them, not some rammy kid, or a dog or something. It’s not like I want to be famous or anything like that. I mean, I’m sure I’ll have to do a talk-show or two, and probably end up writing a book about it, or maybe a screenplay, but no, the important thing is that this monumental discovery be used to further science and stuff.”
Update: While attempting to contact Johnston for a follow-up interview we were directed to talk to his agent, who refused to comment.
The following series of interviews compiled by our investigative team constructs a timeline of events leading up to this historic discovery.
Wu “Cindy” Han, 47, Gas Station Attendant
Bow Island, AB
Yes, I remember. They came in for gas one day. It was hot, very hot. I remember because he gave me a credit card to start the pump because, of course, we never start the pump until we know you will pay. It is common, very common. But then after he pump the gas, he disappeared. His wife, I think, some lady, anyway, she came to pay. It was a little bit fishy, I think, but you know, there was a lineup now, so I think, yeah, sure, it’s okay probably. So I charge the card and give it to this woman. She didn’t seem so suspicious, I think, but I don’t know. Was she? Suspicious? A suspicious character? I cannot say. I think he went to bathroom. Number one, number two? I cannot say. Nobody found any dinosaur in there, though.
Brody, 16, Camper
St. Mary, Montana
Oh, that creeper that was sitting outside the bathroom stall? Bro, how could I forget? I could literally feel his gross old eyes staring at my feet while I was in there doing my business. We were camping, right? I mean, the whole family, my little brothers and everyone, even my bitchy sister was there since she was done her summer classes. Anyway, mom and dad had us all packed in to two tents, so there was, like, no room at all, and def no time to myself, get me? Keep it low key, but, like, I needed a couple minutes in there to bust one off, like I’m expected to hold it for an entire week? TBH, I can barely go eight hours most days. Anyway, I’m trying to be quiet, but I know it looks weird, cuz I’m, like, standing facing the toilet, and this twink can probably tell I’m not pissing, but it’s taking a while, longer than normal because of all the distractions, but I eventually I got it done. When I finally cleaned up and opened the door, he was just standing there, looking all salty. Seriously, though, I really don’t give a shit what this tool did to some dinosaur. It was my turn, live with it.
Scott, 27, Waiter
Two Sisters Café, Babb, Montana
Sure, this basic-looking couple that came in and had chili, right? Sure. Yeah, I asked him if they enjoyed the park. They did, I think they said. And then I asked if it was their first time in the park, but they said no, they’d been here before. He had chili. And a beer, I think. I don’t remember what she had. They didn’t say anything about ankles that I can remember.
Walter Donovan, 35, Park Ranger
Many Glacier, Glacier National Park, Montana
Oh, sure, that guy, he looked eager, real eager. I almost felt bad turning him back, but we’d had some bear trouble on the trail and, as you know, that’s nothing to fool with. No, sir. Meanwhile, as I’m trying to explain to these people that it’s too dangerous for civilians on the Iceberg Lake trail, that only highly-trained professionals like us could chance it, well, my colleague, Tom, he’s escorting this crazy back down from the trail. Guy’s not wearing a shirt, but he has this big, awkward fanny-pack contraption on, and he’s seriously pissed that we won’t let him on the trail. Because that’s what we do, just tell people they can’t hike, you know, for fun. Because we enjoy it. Tom’s like, “whoa, there, pal, whatcha reaching for?”, and he puts his hands up real quick and says something really dodgy, like, “no, no, I wish you no harm”, which, of course, sounds a lot like the opposite. I think it was at about this point your guy, this dinosaur fella, him and his old lady decide that’s enough for them, and they sorta beat it the other way. Couldn’t say I immediately thought “swindler” but, at the same time, I couldn’t rule it out.
Mutt Williams, 42, Hiker
Grinnell Glacier, Glacier National Park, Montana
What, that couple that sat weirdly close to us? Like, there is an entire glacier to see, and they have to sit right next to us. Nice. I didn’t see anything about dinosaurs, though, and I’m not sure what else they were up to, we were too busy tracking down our kids. We specifically told them we’d be waiting up top, right where the main trail ends, yet somehow they magically kept walking and ended up down by the water. Surprise, surprise. Then when we finally find them, they of course say “they looked everywhere” for us. Which obviously isn’t true, since we were right there, right where the trail ended, just like we said we would be. What? No, of course, it’s pretty great to have our whole family together at the end of a really amazing hike like this, I mean, any family would be thrilled to be in that situation. But I don’t give a damn what Kody says, they definitely didn’t come up there looking for us, I mean, they would have seen us! So he’s obviously full of shit. And Keaton, what, now he doesn’t want ham sandwiches for lunch? Christ, kid, you have no idea how good you’ve got it! But, no, to answer your question, it is a real blessing to have the whole family together in a beautiful place like this, it really is. But there’s no way they got there before us, that’s all I’m saying.
Ilaria, 28, Roller Derby Jammer, Electric City Roller Derby, nickname “Court-her Pound-her”
Celtic Cowboy pub, Great Falls, Montana
So excited to be part of this Canadian guy’s birthday! His wife called us up and asked if we could come to the bar and present him with a cake, the whole team, and she promised he’d be extremely embarrassed. Sounded pretty fun, and a good excuse to all get together at a bar. We never seem to get blind, idiotic drunk together any more, at least not the way we used to. It’s so sad. So, then we showed up, and it turns out the cake is actually just a big pyramid of glazed doughnuts, which is kind of gross, but their choice, I guess, and we sort of try to be quiet, then make our way into the back room where their whole gigantic family was hanging out. Nobody mentioned dinosaurs, but then it was pretty hectic. She was right, though, he seemed pretty embarrassed, and for some reason decided he needed to hug every one of us. Sorta weird, I’d say.
Gordon, 50, Birthday Boy
Celtic Cowboy pub, Great Falls, Montana
A couple years ago Tahnni found me watching roller derby when I was supposed to be watching Bren play hockey and, man, I have never heard the end of it. Honestly, I do not have some roller girl fetish. A healthy appreciation of the sport, is what I’d call it. A very normal appreciation. So, yes, I was pretty surprised when an entire roller derby team showed up at the bar with a giant doughnut cake. Shocked, really. It was thrilling, though, like skydiving must feel like, or being in combat, probably. And all the girls had these funny nicknames on their shirts. I don’t remember any of them, specifically, but they were funny, really funny. I didn’t know if I was supposed to shake their hands, or hug them, or do that double kiss thing. I didn’t trust myself with the kissing, I thought I might mess it up. So I stuck with hugging. But there were a lot of them, and it started to feel pretty awkward by the end, especially since I’d never met them before. One of them squeezed pretty hard, it was pretty intimidating, actually. I don’t know what this has to do with Dean and whatever trouble he got into in Drumheller but, to be honest, so much was going on it was hard to concentrate. And I had to stop Tahnni, she was dipping doughnuts in her whiskey for some reason, and actually the whole week was pretty busy and things started to blend together, so maybe he showed me his new dinosaur or whatever and I just forgot. I was just so nervous the whole time, I never knew what fresh birthday hell might be lurking around the corner. But it was great, really great.
Denny Vogel, 44, High School Football Coach
Club Cigar, Great Falls, Montana
You talkin’ ‘bout that odd group at the table by the wall? Yeah, them guys didn’t really fit in at all. Our whole group was there cuz the coaching clinic had just ended, and it was a damn full day, believe you me. We needed to get some booze in us, stat. But even if we didn’t all know each other, which we pretty much did by that point, you know, cuz we just spent all day learning plays and strategies and whatnot with Bobby goddam Hauck, how’s that for some celeb knowledge, right? Head coach, Montana Grizzlies, I shit you not. Still, we’da know they was different, either way, I mean, most of them was in shorts, and not a single one was wearing a golf shirt like us, you know, what they call “business cashwal”, or whatever. But dinosaurs and shit sounds about right because, between you and me, I doubt any of those tourists there could tell the difference between a naked bootleg and play-action draw. That punk you’re talking ‘bout, I’m tellin’ ya, he wouldn’t a known a quick hitch if it came up and punched him in the jock.
Eaton, 6, River Lover
Sluice Boxes State Park, Great Falls, Montana
The river was really fun. The water was cold. Not too cold. We played lots. In the water, sometimes on the shore. Those other kids all had floaties to go down the river. Mom said she never thought about bringing floaties, so I asked her if I could have those other kids’ floaties, and she said “no, those are their floaties, not yours, just go play with your sister”. But I didn’t want to play with Ava. She cries all the time. If I even hit her just a little bit, not even that hard, she starts crying and mom gets mad. So I asked that other lady if I could have their floatie, and she said okay, for a little while, and she told this other guy, the dinosaur guy maybe, to give me his floatie. It was supposed to be a popsicle, I think, and it had this weird skin-coloured tube that I think was supposed to be the stick, but really bounced around all funny. I liked hitting people with it. I think that guy did, too. He kept poking people with it and laughing, until she told him to stop and give it to me. He seemed kind of sad.
Lochlan, 6, Cliff Jumper
Sluice Boxes State Park, Great Falls, Montana
Yeah, I jumped off. Did you see me jump? Dude jumped off, so I wanted to jump, too. It was really high. Did you see me jump? I wasn’t scared. It was easy. Uncle Dean doesn’t know about dinosaurs. I know lots about dinosaurs. Wanna see my Fortnite dance?
Eliza Blumburtt, 37, Diner
Mackenzie River Pizza Company, Great Falls, Montana
We were just sitting there, minding our own business, and all of a sudden a bunch of people start filing back past our table. The one lady, she seemed to be in charge, she goes and pulls the cover off a piano, which I had no idea was even there, but now I’m wondering what’s up, because, you know, now there’s at least a dozen of them, and this woman is starting to get set up at the piano, and it was directly behind me. Orrin and I were looking at each other, like, what’s all this about? Then, just out of nowhere, the lady starts playing the piano, and the rest of them start to sing, and it’s a sort of church song, about god and heaven and stuff, and it is seriously loud. Like, can’t hear yourself think, loud. And they basically have our table surrounded, so we’re trapped, and we don’t know what’s happening, or why they are singing, or anything. And this song, it just goes on forever. It was so awkward, we didn’t know if we were supposed to be watching, or if we could eat, since our food had just arrived, or would that be rude? We had no idea. It was probably only a few minutes, but it felt like an hour. And when it finally ended we were so relieved, and I just started to help Anna with her pizza, then, boom! They just started in on another song! We couldn’t believe it. It was so confusing. How long was this going to take, are they going to be singing all night, what are they here for? When will we get to eat? And it’s so loud. Finally Orrin’s had enough, and he sort of snaps, and just pushes his way through and finds a waitress, and she says there’s nothing she can do, so that’s just the last straw, so we just get up and leave, enough was enough. That guy you’re talking about, I saw him there as we were leaving, he looked about as uncomfortable as we were, had a full plate of pasta sitting there in front of him getting cold, with this sort of confused, awkward smile on his face, like he didn’t really know what to do either. I’m not sure when it ended, all I know is that as we were getting into the car I could still hear them singing Happy Birthday do someone. All the way in the parking lot I could hear them! And it wasn’t even the real Happy Birthday, but some weird version where all they did was keep repeating Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday, in slightly different tones. It was crazy, seriously. Then we just got the hell out of there. We went and ate at McDonald’s.
Elsa, 28, Mermaid
Sip ‘n Dip Lounge, Great Falls, Montana
Sure, I remember him. There was a whole pack of them, seemed to all be there together for some sort of party. Maybe for that old-ish dude who looked really skittish and embarrassed all the time. I mean, I think he was old, he sort of looked old, but he had this really dark helmet of hair, almost like a wig like you’d wear in a play or something. Maybe he dyes it, I have no idea. But there were adults, and kids, and teenagers, you name it, like they just rounded up everyone they could find and said, hey, who wants to go the bar and watch some girls dressed as mermaids swim around behind the bar? Seems pretty appropriate for little kids, right? The dads, I get, they are always leering and stuff, but that’s fine, that’s the job. I mean, I spend hours every night posing in a bikini for photos, I can’t really say much when people stare. I think I know who you mean, though, he took a lot of photos, could easy have been the kind of guy with a dinosaur fetish. I mean, mermaids, dinosaurs, Piano Pat, all just good stories, right?
Andrew, 29, Fortnite Player
Sip ‘n Dip Lounge, Great Falls, Montana
We got the Fish Bowl! It’s huge, like, 2 litres, and has 10 shots in it or something. It was awesome. Dean was there somewhere, yeah.
Piano Pat, 83, Lounge Musician
Sip ‘n Dip Lounge, Great Falls, Montana
What? I have no idea what you’re saying. If you have a request, write it down. Tips go in that glass.
Declan, 5, Drowning Survivor
Spring Meadows Lake State Park, Helena, Montana
Ellis left me. He was supposed to stay with me, but he pushed me. He pushed my floatie, and I fell in the water, and I couldn’t breathe. Dad came and got me. Dad gave Ellis heck, but I didn’t want to go in the water any more. Mom gave me some fruit. Uncle Dean was just sitting there.
Dietrich, 25, Healthy Scratch, Missoula Osprey
No, I wasn’t playing that day because I think coach wanted to get a closer look at Cody, and I’d been dealing with that nagging hamstring thing, and I got lots of game time last week, more or less, and, well, it was just one of those things. Everyone sits sometimes. It doesn’t mean anything. As far as I’m concerned I’m still the starting shortstop until I hear otherwise. Anyway, yeah, the row behind us was completely taken up by this hick family from god knows where, Canada somewhere, I think I heard one of them say. What I do know is that this crew knew basically nothing about baseball. I mean, zero. I tried tuning them out but sometimes I just couldn’t help overhear the latest saga of the popcorn line, or the missing ticket, or where such and such was now. They even had to look up the lyrics to “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”, if you can believe that. I mean, seriously, what are you people even doing here? And, no, for the record, leading off from first base is not “a penalty”. As far as I can remember, dinosaurs were about the only thing they didn’t babble on about. Well, that, and actual baseball.
Brennan, 14, Contest Winner, Missoula Osprey Hoop Challenge
Ry made sure I got one of the numbered tennis balls because, obviously, he knows I’ve got mad ball skills. There were a whole bunch of different hoops, all different colours for different prizes. And the bucket, to win cash, but that seemed kind of far for me to throw. No, I had my heart set on the purple hoops, for Missoula Osprey player cards. You know, like real baseball cards, except with players nobody’s ever heard of. Yet. I played it cool, just like it was a free throw, one bounce, a breath, silky smooth release, bounce, bounce, swish! Well, almost. It kind of just stopped right next to the hoop. But then when the guy went around announcing the prizes he didn’t seem to care much about those really close hoops, and he called my number anyway. Champion! Dean? No, he tried for the bucket. Missed by a mile. But I didn’t hear him talk about dinosaurs at all while we were chucking tennis balls. So it was probably really good for him. Mentally.
Marion Ravenwood, 38, Camper
KOA Campground, Missoula, Montana
Sure, I know who you mean, they were our neighbours in the campground. They seemed nice. I didn’t talk to them, though, and I definitely didn’t see any old bones, but from what I did see you could sort of tell they were nice. No tattoos or anything, at least none that I could see. Ha ha. There were some kind of odd noises in the night, but not really noises, if you know what I mean. Just a lot of shuffling sounds, like someone moving around trying to scratch things, and adjust things, and just restless, sort of. And the zippers, of course. In the tent, out of the tent, in the tent, that sort of thing. And at some point in the night one of them got up to pour some water out on the bushes between our campsites. I have no idea why it had to be done in the middle of the night, but you could clearly hear the sound of water hitting the branches, so what else could it be?
Ryland, 21, Toy Collector
Yeah, did you know you can buy Pikachu figurines and other Pokémons and stuff here, just anywhere, like, Target or Walmart, for practically nothing. Like, $10, or whatever. Then at home I’ll sell them online for way more. I know, it’s crazy! Not dinosaur stuff, though, nobody really cares about that. Except Dean, I guess.
Irina Spalko, 57, Mountain Biker
I was just out on my normal Saturday ride, doing the regular Rattlesnake Trail this week. By myself, because my husband and daughter were off kayaking, and my son was trail running over on North Loop. I was just about at the bridge, so around 8 miles or so out, and I run into this guy walking his bike. And he looks really excited to see me, so I assume something must be wrong. Sure enough, he’s got a flat and apparently his pump isn’t working right or something, and he says he patched the tire but can’t get it pumped up all the way, blah blah blah. Long story short, I let him use my pump, and it seems to be working fine, but then I’ve got to help him because his arms are giving out. He’s making excuses about pumping “around 500 times already”, but I’m guessing he just isn’t very strong. So I did my part for a while, and even though the tire never got quite hard enough for his liking (that’s what she said), finally we decided it was good enough. He thanked me, and we rode off in opposite directions. Half an hour later I’m on my way back and, sure enough, there this guy is again, looking all sheepish and helpless. Apparently, the tire had a second puncture, he says, but he’s really fixed it good this time, extra glue and all that. Uh huh, whatever, just go ahead, here’s the pump. It seems easier this time, so maybe he’s right, but who knows? You could tell he wasn’t too confident, because he was still polite and grateful and all that, but then he took off like his pants were on fire. I’m pretty sure his plan was to somehow go fast enough to cover the last 7 miles before the tire had time to go flat again. Which obviously is ridiculous. If it was going to go flat, it would go flat, and that’s all there is to it. I don’t think he said anything about ankylosaurs, but my memory isn’t what it used to be, so maybe.
Becky, 32, Brew Bike Guide
We see some crazy stuff running these bike pub crawls. The brew bike fits 15 people, so you know that every group’s going to have a few oddballs. But these ones, these Sask folk, I tell you, they were on a whole different level. Not so much because of the dinosaur stuff, honestly I didn’t really notice that, there was so much else going on. For one thing, they were all family. Usually we get teams, or bachelorette parties, stuff like that, but the age range here was 21 to, like, 70 or something. Can you imagine going on a pub crawl with your grandma? Or grandson? Or your grandson’s girlfriend? The whole thing was a bit ridiculous. We had one girl dancing in the middle for a while, then one of the young guys didn’t even notice when his wallet fell onto the street, at one point this punk changed the music to some seriously obscene rap – really loud as we’re cruising down a busy street, you should have seen the look on gramps’ face. Plus, I’m pretty sure that at any given time only about 3 or 4 of them were pedaling. All the while, the birthday boy – or birthday middle-aged man, I should say – is sitting on the bench at the back like a king or something, a slumming king drinking straight from his growler of beer. A king and his jesters. Really weird, even for jesters. And they kept talking about tequila. Tequila this, tequila that. But, honestly, from what I saw, they didn’t seem to be very good at drinking tequila.
Barranca Dovchenko, 31, Roller Derby Pivot, Hellgate Roller Derby
What do you mean, we were the second roller derby team to bring a cake for this Gordie guy’s birthday? Nobody said anything about us being second-fiddle. Or dinosaurs. Are you sure? Because he seemed pretty awkward for someone who’d already done this once, though. Maybe he’s just one of guys who’s always awkward around women. Who was this other team, though, because I bet we could take ‘em. Was it Electric City from Great Falls? That’s probably who it was, bunch of drunk slags, we mop the floor with ‘em. Well, except for that one time, but we were short on girls, and Terri was sick that day and, well, they still barely beat us, just got lucky and walled us up right at the death. We’re comin’ for you, Electric City!
Nadine, 69, Tequila Enthusiast
I wanted them to order some of that tequila I really like. Patrick? Pattern? Yes, that’s it. Paytron. I knew that. I really love good tequila. But there was something wrong with that paytron. I think they gave us the wrong stuff because it was really strong and burned my throat. I drink tequila all the time, all the time, and I always like it. So they must have got the wrong stuff. But I drank more of it anyway because we already bought it, and I do love tequila. It wasn’t really making me drunk anyway, but after a while I felt like talking so I changed tables, and I don’t remember what we talked about, not dinosaurs, no, but we talked a bunch, and then I needed some water because my throat was still sort of burning, then I saw this family outside on the deck with a whole plate of fries, and I realized how hungry I was, and they weren’t even eating any more, you could tell they were done, so obviously they didn’t want them anymore, so I went out and grabbed a few. They looked surprised but, seriously, they were done with those fries, anyway, so I just laughed and ran back inside. I’m pretty sure they barely even noticed.
Quinn, 20, Underage Drinker
I think I drank too much.
Satipo, 26, Taco Designer, Taco John’s
He had a steak and cheese burrito, no mention of dinosaurs. He seemed fine, I guess.
Weber, 30, Canadian Border Agent
Roosville, British Columbia
I asked him all the usual questions: alcohol, tobacco, firearms. No, none, no. What’s the total value of the purchases you made while in the U.S.? “Zero”. “Zero?” “Yeah, I didn’t buy anything”. So, no purchases, no alcohol, no tobacco, just this guy by himself in an old CRV. All right, then, fun times, dude. Wait, are you saying he was smuggling valuable dinosaur fossils across an international border? I never thought to ask that one… Jesus, can you not say anything to my supervisor?
Kao Ken, 43, Camping Patriarch
Kimberley, British Columbia
We met him when we were unloading the cars. We had the campsites right next to each other. There were 9 of us, 4 adults and 5 kids, and we had lots of stuff. Two tents, a gazebo, lots of food and chairs. And he just had this tiny little tent that you barely noticed hiding back there in the trees. At first I felt bad for him because I thought we’d probably bother him. I told him we’d try to keep it down but, you know, kids. But then, later, I felt bad for him because it seemed so sad, just this one guy all alone in that little tent. But that was before I found out he was in there doing god-knows-what with a bunch of dinosaur bones. Gross.
Ross, 31, Firefighting Helicopter Pilot
Highway 93, British Columbia
We’d been hittin’ the fires close to the highway hardest, even had to close the road down for a coupla days. Felt like we were getting it under control a bit, so we opened it up that morning, just hadda stop traffic here and there when we were haulin’ a load of water across. At first I noticed him because he was drivin’ one of those old-style CRVs, the sort of boxy old ones. Then I saw how gooda job a spacing he was doing. Traffic was movin’ real slow, like, 20, 30, k, a lot of bumper to bumper stuff, but this guy was leavin’ a nice, steady gap. A safe distance, but not so much to be real annoying to the cars behind him. I was hella impressed. Of course, he also seemed to be reading on his phone the whole time, too, which, as a transportation professional, I really can’t condone. I couldn’t tell what he was looking at, though, but you should check into it. Maybe it was evidence.
George Michale, 36, French Hiker
Stanley Glacier, British Columbia
Oui, nous l’avons vu, cette personne de dinosaure dont vous parlez. Il faisait aussi de la randonnée vers le glacier. Il était derrière nous. Il voulait nous dépasser, mais nous faisions aussi de la randonnée et nous étions nombreux et il n’en était qu’un, il n’y avait aucune raison de le laisser marcher devant nous. Nous étions là en premier, nous devrions marcher en tête. Finalement, il est passé devant nous. Il avait l’air en colère. Anglophone typique. Je ne suis pas surpris qu’une telle personne puisse souiller une cheville de dinosaure.
Yes, we have seen, that dinosaur person you are talking about. He was also hiking to the glacier. He was behind us. He wanted to overtake us, but we were also hiking and we were many and he was one, there was no reason to let him walk in front of us. We were there first, we should walk in front. Finally, he passed us. He looked angry. Typical Anglophone. I’m not surprised that such a person could soil a dinosaur ankle.
Chen, 38, Hostelling International Member
Whiskey Jack Hostel, Yoho National Park, Alberta
He seemed nice. I doubt it had anything to do with fossils, but he let me use the shower first. The water pressure in the hostel was terrible, so it took a long time. He didn’t complain, though. I slept in the bunk below him and he was mostly fine, except for the rustling. He was constantly rustling around. Shifting to this side, shifting to that side, moving his blanket around, always doing something fidgety with his feet. If he would have been more still I think I would have liked him more.
Lao Che, 9, Hostel Guest
Whiskey Jack Hostel, Yoho National Park, Alberta
That was my first time staying in a dorm. I don’t know why we didn’t stay in a hotel. Mom said this would be more fun. It wasn’t, though, it was just weird. There were three sets of three beds stacked on top of each other, and all the lower ones already had gross old people on them. I didn’t see any dinosaur bones, but I didn’t look very close at anything because I was afraid of what I might see. I had to climb up this wooden ladder to get to my bed right at the top, and I could hear the toilet splashing every time someone was peeing. I told mom I wanted to leave, because I didn’t know these other people, and because the room smelled funny, and because that German biker kept laughing to himself in the bottom bunk and it was creeping me out. And him and that other weirdo kept talking on and on about the Iceline Hike, and how great it was, whatever. Whenever mom wants me to do something I don’t want to do she says I need to compromise. She usually says that when she’s making me go somewhere she wants to go. I said I wasn’t going to be able to sleep in that awful room with all those people, and she said it was ok, that we’d leave in the morning. That didn’t seem like much of a compromise to me.
Sallah, 24, Waitress
Melissa’s Missteak, Banff, Alberta
No, I don’t remember him saying anything about archaeology, or anklisores, or anything like that, I don’t think. But he did order tomato soup and a grilled cheese sandwich like an old lady. Does that help?
Willie Musgrove, 21, Camper
Jewel Bay, Barrier Lake, Kananaskis Country, Alberta
Oh, man, that guy. He scared the shit out of us! We had just finished setting our tent up and were inside spreading out the sleeping bags and that, and it was pretty warm in there, and the only other people in the campground were way down at the other end, so we didn’t expect to see some guy suddenly just wandering by, right past the door of our tent, then he just plonks down in the grass and lays there staring out at the lake like some retard. It was freaky, man. It really sucked, too, because I had pretty much convinced Melissa to give me a hand job. I mean, she had basically agreed, then this creep goes and freaks her out, and then she’s all, like, “I am definitely not going to give you a hand job with that weirdo sitting outside!” Obviously, I promised her, promised her, that I’d be quiet, super-quiet, and that I’d give her plenty of warning and all that, but no, she just said she wasn’t in the mood any more. What a twat, that guy.
Bella, 24, Tourist
HI – Kananaskis, Kananaskis Country, Alberta
Sure, we remember him. We talked with him for a while in the lounge. But not about dinosaurs, or bones, or anything like that. God, can you imagine? No, we mostly talked about the weather, how it was so hot, and how it had gotten so smoky in the last couple hours, just out of the blue. Yeah, that guy really liked to talk about the smoke. He seemed kind of obsessed with it.
Charles Stanforth, 35, Hiker
Rawson Lake, Kananaskis Country, Alberta
What a weird moment. Me and Lucas, my kid, we’re hiking up to Rawson Lake, and it’s pretty early so we haven’t seen too many people yet, then we hear this bell coming up behind us, and we look back and it’s this guy hiking up, all by himself, and he’s got a bear bell bouncing around on his backpack, and he’s just booking it, like maybe there’s already a bear on his tail or something. So we stop to let him pass and I’m just making small talk, I say something like, um, “Watch out for bears”. Or, no, I think I said, “You go ahead and let us know if there are any bears”. Just meaningless chitchat, right? And this guy looks surprised, and kind of laughs, and he says, I remember this exactly, because it was so inappropriate, he goes, “if there are you’ll just see my corpse, ha ha”. I just kind of faked a chuckle, to make sure Lucas knew it was a joke, but meanwhile I’m thinking, whoa, man, that’s pretty dark, saying something like that to a 9-year old. I’m not at all surprised a guy like that ended up mixed up with dead stuff.
Kate, 38, Wildlife Enthusiast
Horsethief Canyon, Drumheller, Alberta
Oh, you mean that was the guy? I can’t believe it! That’s so cool! And it must have happened while we were there! Crazy! It’s so weird, because we weren’t even planning to go out there, but David was still golfing and the kids were just driving me up the wall! So finally I just said, that’s it, get in the car, we’re going to see some fossils, kids! By the time we got out to Horsethief Canyon it was getting pretty late and the sun was starting to go down and the views were really nice, but the best part, the really cool part, was the gophers! There were gophers everywhere! Dozens of them! The kids thought they were the best, you just don’t get to see wildlife up close like that in the city! We took lots of photos, and Kayla took some videos, then I got a picture of each of the kids with a bunch of gophers running around in the background. You can’t really see them too well, the gophers, I mean, because they were mostly pretty small, and they really blend in with the grass and dirt. Evolution, right? So cool. We must have spent an hour just running back and forth, taking photos of gophers and all that. Then suddenly this guy just pops up over the ridge, like magic, like, seriously, where did he come from? It must be your guy, although I didn’t see any bones or anything, but he had a backpack on, so who knows? And he just sort of glances at us, and then just walks right past, and I’m pretty sure he never even looked at the gophers! Not even a glance! Really weird, right? He sort of reminded me of Dexter, you know, the serial killer from the TV show? No emotion, really psycho, kind of like that. So I wasn’t surprised to hear that he killed something down there.
Scientists Determine Ankylosaurus Discovery a Hoax
August 13, 2018
Drumheller, AB – A Saskatchewan man is being investigated for archaeological fraud this week after falsely claiming that he discovered the partial skeleton of a 66 million-year old ankylosaurus in Drumheller earlier this month. Dean Johnston, 45, found the remains while hiking just outside Drumheller in Horsethief Canyon, allegedly while urinating. Upon further inspection, Tanya Oxley, customer care specialist at Fossil World Dinosaur Discovery Centre, deemed the bones and partial skull that of a recently deceased dog.
“I’m no archaeologist, but I’ve seen my share of fossils, don’t even get me started. And the amount of dinosaur stuff we’ve got kicking around town, well, I wouldn’t say I’m an expert or anything, but let’s just say I know my way around a dinosaur bone. And the crap that guy dragged in here, that is definitely a dead dog. Purebred or mutt, though, I couldn’t say for sure.”
Local law enforcement is currently considering criminal fraud charges, although others have described the incident as nothing more than a regrettable hoax, or even an amusing mistake. Local fossil guide, Henry Jones, however, who has been leading informative and enlightening guided hikes in the area for over twenty years, believes he knows the answer.
“It’s just another schmuck with allusions of grander. Prolly saw Raiders of the Lost Ark one too many times. We get this all the time, especially when these weird loner types pass through.”
The accused has been informed that as long as the investigation is ongoing he is no longer welcome in any of the terrific natural reserves or dinosaur-themed entertainment facilities available in The Dinosaur Capital of the World, home of The World’s Largest Dinosaur, Drumheller’s Little Church, and Fossil World Dinosaur Discovery Centre. He has also been banned from the town’s single Vietnamese restaurant, Vietnamese Noodle House, currently closed for renovations.
Dead dog shortlist: