Who doesn’t love to have a good laugh? The world is better because of humor and sometimes laughter is the best medicine. We’ve gathered the best funny sayings for you including short funny sayings, cute funny sayings, hilarious sayings, clever humorous sayings, cool funny sayings, funny quotes and sayings, short funny quotes, funny proverbs, funny expressions, and funny old sayings.
If you’re having a bad day, feeling down and need some cheering, or you feel like sharing some sayings that are funny, you’ve come to the right page.
If you like funny quotes and sayings, you should also check out our lists of Funny Good Morning Quotes, Funny Love Quotes, Funny Work Quotes, Funny Quotes of the Day, Funny Quotes About Life and Funny Inspirational Quotes
Start scrolling to find your favorite funny saying or skip ahead to your favorite category.
Funny Sayings
Lighten up your day with these funny sayings.
“Alcohol! Because no great story started with someone eating a salad.”
“I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven’t offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.”
“Dental-Chair Revelation: Once you have your mouth open, dentists lose the ability to ask questions with a simple yes or no answer.”
“I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Don’t you wish they made a clap-on-clap-off device for some people’s mouths?”
“Any of us has the capacity to light up a room. Some when they enter, others when they leave it.”
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that people who have the most live the longest.”
“Stupidity knows no boundaries, but it knows a lot of people.”
“They say don’t try this at home… so I went to my friend’s home!”
“The only scenario where you really need a landline today is when you’re trying to find your cell phone.”
“There is no lousy weather, only lousy choice of clothing.”
“According to my mirror I am pregnant. The father is Nutella.”
“They say crime doesn’t pay. So does my current job make me a criminal?”
“I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”
“My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.”
“A good mood is like a balloon: one prick is all it takes to ruin it.”
“My mom said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.”
“I would like to thank my middle finger for always sticking up for me when I needed it.”
Short Funny Sayings
Here are some of our favorite short funny sayings. You might also like our list of Funny Short Quotes.
“The shortest horror story: Monday.”
“I get enough exercise pushing my luck.”
“I speak fluent ironic with a solid sarcastic accent.”
“I am nobody. Nobody is perfect. I am perfect.”
“He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.”
“I am an example to others. A bad example.”
“I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
“Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.”
“I’m never late. The others are just too early!”
“Don’t drink while driving – you might spill the beer.”
“Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.”
“Come over to the dark side…we’ve got candy.”
“Dogs have beloved masters. Cats have waiting staff.”
“Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you’re done.”
“He who laughs last is a bit of a slow thinker.”
“Wine + dinner = winner”
“Beat the 5 o’clock rush, leave work at noon.”
“I don’t give a ship!”
“There’s no “we” in fries.”
“I’m not lazy. I’m relaxed.”
“I put the ‘pro’ in ‘procrastinate.’”
“BYOW: Bring your own whine.”
Cute Funny Sayings
Brighten up your day with these cute funny sayings. Then check out our list of Cute Quotes.
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“I had loads to do today. Ah well, so now I have loads to do tomorrow.”
“Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.”
“Never ask a starfish for directions.”
“I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.”
“Chocolate doesn’t ask any questions. Chocolate simply understands.”
“Do not let your mind wander too much. It is too small for you to let it out alone.”
“I stopped understanding math when the alphabet got involved.”
“I’d like to help you out today. Which way did you come in?”
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
“Don’t tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.”
“Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.”
“As long as cocoa beans grow on trees, chocolate is fruit to me.”
“The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.”
“The true nature of a human being clearly shows when the supermarket opens a second checkout lane.”
“Smile! It makes people wonder what you are up to.”
“They say money doesn’t bring you happiness. Still, it is better to verify things for yourself.”
“The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.”
“The first five days after the weekend are the toughest.”
“Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then it’s suspicious.”
Hilarious Sayings
Have a good laugh with these hilarious sayings.
“Don’t vacuum and listen to loud music on your headphones at the same time. I finished three rooms until I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.”
“Before my first cup of coffee I hate everybody. That doesn’t change after I’ve had that coffee, but it feels much better.”
“Finally, spring is here! I’m so thrilled I wet my plants.”
“Hard work pays off in the future. Lounging on the couch pays off right now.”
““Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backwards.”
“The leading source of computer problems is computer solutions.”
“The perfect man doesn’t swear, doesn’t smoke, doesn’t get angry, doesn’t drink. He also doesn’t exist.”
“There are days when you just want to envelop everybody with light and warmth… preferably through the use of a flamethrower.”
“There are people who are living proof that total brain failure does not always lead to physical death.”
“I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive!”
“Going to bed early. Not going to a party. Not leaving my house. My childhood punishments have become my adult goals.”
“When people tell me that I’ll regret something in the morning, I just sleep until noon. I’m a problem solver.”
“If you’re not supposed to eat at night, why is there a light in the refrigerator?”
“I’m not ignoring the alarm clock, I’m waiting to see who breaks first.”
“A jellyfish has existed as a species for 500 million years, surviving just fine without a brain. That gives hope to quite a few people.”
“Smile like a monkey with a new banana.”
“Your bank account can always be overdrawn. It’ll never be overfilled.”
“Sorry I’m late. I didn’t want to come.”
“Halloween dress code requirements: whatever will get me most candy.”
Clever Humorous Sayings
Check out these clever humorous sayings. You might also like our list of Clever Captions.
“I like to be an optimist. It pisses people off.”
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.”
“All my life I thought air was for free. That was until I bought a bag of potato chips.”
“I refuse to have a battle of wits with an opponent so clearly unarmed.”
“I am in touch with my motivation. I saw it going by this morning, waving at me and winking.”
“I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.”
“If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.”
“How many times must I flush before you finally go away?”
“I would like to thank my arms for always being by my side, my legs for always supporting me, and my fingers, because I can always count on them.”
“Confessions may be great for your soul, but they are hell for your reputation.”
“Dear math exercise book, kindly grow up finally and solve your own problems!”
“I wouldn’t exactly say I’m lazy, but it’s a good thing that breathing is a reflex.”
“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.”
“Doesn’t expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?”
“I’m not clumsy, The floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies and the walls get in my way.”
“An idea is only stupid if it doesn’t work.”
“If the broom fits, fly it!”
“My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.”
“Today I laughed until my abs were tired, so I skipped the gym.”
“I’m never wrong. I’m just different levels of right.”
“We can’t all be princesses. Someone has to wave when I roll by.”
Cool Funny Sayings
Take a look at these cool funny sayings.
“I’m jealous of my parents, I’ll never have a kid as cool as them.”
“A broad smile is a cooler way of showing your enemies that you have teeth.”
“I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow.”
“I didn’t fall down. I did attack the floor, though.”
“I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.”
“Every rule has an exception. This rule is no exception.”
“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
“Television is a medium – anything well done is rare.”
“They say: Do what you love and the money will come to you. Just ordered pizza, now I am waiting…”
“Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.”
“Never judge a book by its movie.”
“Think nothing is impossible? Try slamming a revolving door.”
“Remember: Don’t insult the alligator until you cross the river.”
“It might look like I’m doing nothing. But, in my head, I’m quite busy.”
“No one notices how hard you work until you stop working.”
“A balanced diet is a cupcake in each hand.”
“Life is like a bowl of soup and I’m a fork.”
“I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.”
Funny Quotes and Sayings
Here are some funny quotes and sayings to tickle your funny bone.
“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” — Alexander Woollcott
“A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.” — Marty Allen
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.” — Robert Bloch
“I drink to make other people more interesting.” — Ernest Hemingway
“Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.” — Emo Philips
“The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.” — Zach Galifianakis
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” — Casey Stengel
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” — Emo Philips
“I am an early bird and a night owl… so I am wise and I have worms.” — Michael Scott
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” — Jack Handey
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” — Erma Bombeck
“I hate mornings, they start so early.” – Janet Evanovich
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” — Dave Barry
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” — Erma Bombeck
RELATED QUOTES: Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
“My therapist says I’m afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting-around time.” — Maria Bamford
Short Funny Quotes
These short funny quotes will make you laugh. Then check out our list of Funny Short Quotes.
“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” — Arthur C. Clarke
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.” — Will Rogers
“A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.” — Steve Martin
“I didn’t give you the finger, you earned it.” — BIll Murray
“Life is hard. After all, it kills you.” — Katharine Hepburn
“Life is hard; it’s harder if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” — George Carlin
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” — Ellen DeGeneres
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” — Caroline Rhea
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.” — Erma Bombeck
“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.” — Dylan Thomas
“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” — Gertrude Stein
“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.” — Gilbert Gottfried
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” — Dave Barry
“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” — Ozzy Ozbourne
“I’m not for everyone. I’m barely for me.” — Marc Maron
“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” — John Barrymore
“Sports are the reason I am out of shape. I watch them all on TV.” — Thomas Sowell
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” — Earl Wilson
Funny Proverbs
Consider the following funny proverbs.
“Luck is the idol of the idle.”
“A father is a banker provided by nature.”
“If you dig a hole for someone else, you’ll fall into it.”
“A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on.”
“Anger can be an expensive luxury.”
“Wealth is like hair in the nose: it hurts to be separated whether from a little or from a lot.”
“To lengthen your life, shorten your meals.”
“Experience is a comb which nature gives us when we are bald.”
“You will never plough a field if you only turn it over in your mind.”
“Six feet of earth make all men equal.”
“In a closed mouth, flies do not enter.”
“No one tests the depth of a river with both feet.”
“Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.”
“Be aware of the idiot, for he is like an old dress. Every time you patch it, the wind will tear it back again.”
Funny Expressions
These funny expressions are worth checking out.
“Wow, who crapped in your cornflakes?”
“In the immortal words of Taylor Swift, I’m going to shake you off.”
“Oh wait. I just remembered. You’re boring and my legs work.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“If Plan A doesn’t work, we have 25 more letters to try.”
“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
“They say the best things take time. That’s why I’m late.”
“It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.”
“Dynamite comes in small packages.”
“It’s alright if we don’t agree. I can’t force you to be right.”
“I don’t need anger management. I need you to stop making me angry.”
“I get plenty of exercise just pushing my luck.”
“Whenever I’m bored, I go to my favorite place: The fridge.”
“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need an expert opinion.”
“Friday, my second favorite F word.”
RELATED SAYINGS: Funny Friday Quotes and Friday Captions
Funny Old Sayings
Here are some of our favorite funny old sayings that we don’t know who said first.
“She Was Madder Than a Wet Hen”
“He Thinks the Sun Comes Up Just to Hear Him Crow”
“Pretty As a Peach”
“‘Til the Cows Come Home”
“Pot Calling the Kettle Black”
“I’m So Full I’m About to Pop”
“Fly Off the Handle”
“Hissy Fit”
“As Funny As All Get Out”
“Barking up the Wrong Tree”
“Hold Your Horses”
“Too Big for His Britches”
“It’s Raining Cats and Dogs Out There”
There you have it! We hope we’ve helped you find the best funny saying you were looking for.
For more funny sayings and quotes check out our lists of Funny Fall Quotes, Funny Winter Quotes, Funny Spring Quotes, Funny Summer Quotes, Funny Fishing Quotes and Funny Hiking Quotes.
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