Frequent Visitor Thinks Volcano Photo #3,491 Might Be “The One”

Lago de Atitlán, Guatemala – Excitement abounded around Pasaj-Cap Apartments this week when annual long-term renter, Dean Johnston, captured a particularly scenic photo he suspects may be the one he’s been waiting for all these years. Currently enjoying his ninth visit to this area on famously scenic Lago de Atitlán, Johnston has dedicated himself to photographing the lake and surrounding volcanoes from every conceivable angle, and under countless different lighting and cloud conditions. With his latest masterpiece, however, he thinks he may have finally found the photographic nirvana he has always believed was out there.

“It’s really just a volume game, you know? Making sure you try every angle – focused on San Pedro, focused on Toliman, zoomed right in on some kinky flower with the volcanoes all fuzzy and arty in the back. Sunrise, sunset, from inside the apartment, from the roof, with matching reflections in the pool, smirking selfies; photographic nirvana doesn’t come easy. If it did, everyone would get there. No, it’s all about persistence, man, just taking shot after shot, over and over, even when you’ve got hundreds of the same photo, there’s just no telling when that perfect one will arrive. And keeping your finger from getting into the frame, that’s key, too. It still happens a lot more than I’d like, to be honest.”

However, while looking out from his apartment Sunday morning Johnston snapped what he believes may be the greatest photo ever taken, and that all his hard work may have finally paid off.

“Yes, I did think that at first. Although, you know, when I look a bit closer I see there isn’t a single traditional fisherman in the frame, and that perfect little cloud cap that sometimes hangs out on the peak of San Pedro, well, I don’t see that anywhere. I guess it’s back to the drawing board.”

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Disoriented Bird Cuts Apartment Visit Short, Not a Fan of Layout

Pasaj-Cap Apartments, Guatemala – A near-disaster led to some scathing architectural criticism last Tuesday when a local dove found itself trapped inside a nearby apartment. Ethan, a common ground dove born and raised in the area, unwittingly flew into a local apartment, quickly became disoriented and, while attempting to escape the unfamiliar confines, crashed headlong into the window which he had incorrectly believed to be a conduit to freedom. The several minutes it took to regain his senses and re-orient himself, however, provided Ethan with a rare and unique opportunity to examine his human surroundings. He came away unimpressed.

“You see these big, gawky creatures lumbering around all the time, always fiddling with some type of machine or crazy technology, and we all assume they are some powerful master race to be feared and glorified. But then you get a closer look and it’s, like, these beings aren’t all that, after all. I mean, I’m barely inside and, boom, the sleeping box is, like, right there, in plain sight. No walls, not even a little foliage for privacy. And the biggest lounging branch is, like, dead in the middle of the room, so you’d have to walk around it from every direction. And don’t even get me started on all the windows around their bath. Like we want to see that every time we’re scrounging for insects in the tree outside? I mean, I suppose it might appeal to some, but the overall feel just wasn’t for me, you know?”

While the cause of Ethan’s near-tragic navigational glitch remains unclear, the unexpected detour has made him something of a celebrity in local dove circles. Regaling his peers with exotic tales of giant, flat branches, a wide variety of places to defecate and the pervasive smell of tortillas, Ethan’s newfound fame has led to a variety of lucrative opportunities as a motivational speaker and spiritual guru. “To the Other Side and Back: One Dove’s Brush With Mankind” is now available in the Kindle Store.

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Peeping Drone Just Doing What Nature Intended

Pasaj-Cap, Guatemala – A travelling drone made waves outside a residential complex this week by flying in close proximity to a number of a vacation rental apartments. A number of tenants reported irritating and distracting noises, while one woman even claimed the drone hovering outside her apartments was disturbing her daily routine.

“Our shower’s all glass with a view of the lake, which is pretty great, so I can live with it every now and then when the neighbour’s guardian stares up at me showering. But a drone? How am I even supposed to know what kind of pervert is invading my privacy? It could be a man, a woman, a child, who the hell knows? My god, they might even be Dutch. What if they’re Dutch? What then?”

Pro-drone activists, on the other hand, argue that when drones loudly buzz around public spaces and creepily spy on people in various states of undress or sexual congress they are simply acting on the innate instincts that nature provided them. Austrian Jonas Pichler, avid “van-lifer” and proud owner of a frenetic and occasionally-leashed cocker spaniel, feels drones are often unfairly persecuted despite simply fulfilling the natural purpose of their 3 to 6-month life cycle.

“Do we blame the sun for rising, the fish for swimming, the dogs for barking? Well, sometimes people get mad about the dogs. But still, these drones, this is the life they were born to live. Flying, making noise, recklessly invading the personal space of strangers, this is all they know. All they will ever know… and isn’t that the greatest tragedy of all?”

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Lancha Just Drives Right By

Lago de Atitlán, Guatemala – Dean Johnston, frequent visitor to Guatemala and avid soccer fan, expressed confusion and disappointment Sunday after being left standing on the dock by a parade of uninterested lancha drivers. Expecting to take one of the ubiquitous public boats over to nearby San Juan la Laguna to watch the latest match between Internacional F.C. and the Tuktukeros, Johnston soon found his plans thrown into disarray as one lancha after another passed by without stopping. While some ignored him completely, others offered a series of incomprehensible hand gestures. He eventually returned to his apartment and watched an old Coen brothers’ movie he’d been meaning to see for a while now.

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Guatemalan Electricity to Embrace Its Unpredictability

San Marcos la Laguna, Guatemala – In the midst of another busy season of power outages and unreliable electricity sources, Guatemalan authorities are vigorously disputing the notion that these qualities should be a source of embarrassment. Citing global anti-bullying movements, national electricity companies are making it clear they will no longer try to hide their long history of erratic service and suboptimal performance.

“In this progressive day and age of burgeoning equality and individuality, we refuse to be held accountable for our myriad failures as both a national corporation and electricity source”, stated local company spokesman, Juan Torres. “We truly believe that every utility provider is a unique snowflake, with its own quirks and eccentricities, each of which are incredibly beautiful in their own way. When five separate villages lose power for over 24 hours without an explanation, that is just us doing our thing, and who are those people to tell us otherwise? When outdated systems lead to 5, 6, or even 7 electricity failures in a given day, that is simply who we are, and we are no longer going to feel bad about it. In fact, we plan to own it. No amount of despicable competence-shaming is going to make us abandon our core beliefs of inconsistency and hopeless inefficiency.”

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