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Belize

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Where is it? Just off the northern coast of Belize within a third base coach’s spitting distance of one of the nicest reefs in the world. If you picture Central America and Mexico as a plump female letter carrier, with Cozumel as her fleshy right arm, the Yucatan as the excess skin bubbling out of an optimistically tight sports bra, and Belize as the broad white flank, smooth and flat further out, tending to hilly jungle further inland, then Caye Caulker would be the painful pimple on your underwear line that follows two days of bus rides in the same panties. And Guatemala is the part they blur out on Dateline stories about trends in vaginal rejuvenation. What is there to do on Caye Caulker? Belize is famous for its world class coral reef, the abundance and diversity of its underwater world and the beauty of its ocean sunsets. So…

The second week of our trip was earmarked for Placencia, a popular beach peninsula in Southern Belize known for sun, sand and apparently, although it isn’t the focus of any websites, old people. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. It just seems that Placencia’s unique blend of nice beaches, good food, sensible accomodations and sock-sandal ensembles is just what the doctor ordered for cheap middle-age folk who want all the perks for as little money as possible. Hold on a second, how close did I just come to describing us? Well, either way, it doesn’t change the fact that supper in the more popular restaurants closely resembles Bonanza on Skinflint Sunday. Our beachfront cabana (30 ft from water, should we ever get the urge to swim) is probably the nicest place we’ve stayed when all the factors are taken into account – location, bathroom, fridge, hammock, towels (that little…

Well, it’s Friday and that means our Belize chapter is about to come to a close. This weekend we’ll be making our way home so we can show up for work on Monday morning rested, refreshed and ready to hate life all day. In case anybody is curious the rain still hasn’t let up except for brief hours here and there. It actually looked like it was turning around this morning and we managed to sneak in a couple hours of kayaking before more storms blew in. On the bright side, while the constant reminders that “it’s not usually like this” have been extremely comforting, we have also been forced to look at things from a bit of a different perspective. Top 10 Ways to Enjoy the Rain 10. Kneel in the ditch with arms reaching for the sky, clearly overcoming hardship 9. Dig a trench and race paper boats…

Dear Xaviera: A friend of mine recently did some sustained hiking while wearing only swimming trunks and no underwear. This resulted in some rather painful chafing, obvious loss of skin and some minor blood loss. How can he remedy this problem and get back to his normal carefree, swinging lifestyle? Rubbed Raw, Belize Dear Rubbed Raw, Your friend’s affliction is common enough, even if the cause is unique. What he needs to do is apply one standard-issue NY Giants bandaid to the affected area in order to protect against future irritation. That, along with a generous amount of lotion, will have him back pleasing the sports fan in his life in no time. Xaviera Dear Xaviera: My husband recently managed to actually hurt himself by not wearing any underwear. I have since taken every opportunity to belittle and undermine him, sometimes even going so far as to take pleasure in…

So, despite the impending doom you may have felt at the close of our last message, we did complete the rest of Shark Hole without incident. Eventually I got one of my flashlight beams working, we circumnavigated the cave with its amazing stalactites and saw 1/2 a huge nurse shark sticking out of a dark recess in the wall (the recreational 1/2). In fact, we actually did 3 dives that day, seeing a lot of great coral, a ton of different rays and literally dozens of fish. Moving on, both literally and figuratively, we decided it was finally time to leave Ocean’s Edge. We knew it wouldn’t be easy returning to the mainland, to a world where we were no longer guaranteed an hourly dose of Cher’s Greatest Hits, or at the very least, Celine Dion’s “Greatest” Hits. I’ve got to say, I’ve come to rely on these brilliant ballads…

The Journey: Part I Summary: Transit point A to E (A = Andie’s car, D = Dangriga, E = Tobacco CayE) Characters: Protagonist – amphibiously handsome, red nose belies hidden agenda Sidekick – sharp hurtful wit, snappy dresser Conflict: Parallel universe increases power, kleenex supply runs low Resolution: Destination achieved, humidity raises pointy, yet attractive, head Lesson: Not only Oldsmobiles, but small planes as well benefit from small open triangular side windows From bars in Calgary to breakfast tacos in Dangriga to 10 minutes spent circumnavigating the whole of Tobacco Caye…..twice. Notes of interest: – Scotiabank in Belize will not accept Scotiabank cards from Canade, but Belize Bank will – Beach volleyball on sand instead of packed dirt is for pussies – Pelican piss does, in fact, fall from the sky – Crazy women bring bring only jeans to a Caribbean island – Sharp contrasts between treehouse overlooking ocean in…

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