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Kauai: So Round You Won’t Believe It

Yup, that was Kauai. By the time you get this we’ll be nearly home again. Two weeks just don’t go as far as they used to, especially considering all the things there are to do on Kauai. Back when we were young two weeks was long enough for a person to visit six countries, solve a Third World sewage emergency and neuter an endangered species. All by bus.

This time, in order to fit in all the lounging and and, well, nothingness we wanted to squeeze in we had to leave some stuff for our next visit (oh, there will definitely be a next visit). Kauai has several world-class golf courses, some of the best scuba diving in the world and, of course, so many blowholes. Plus, the green, so much green.

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Anyway, this Kauai hiking guide is the perfect place to start if you want to get active during your stay. For us, the most noteworthy experience of our final week were the 3 days we spent hiking the Kalalau Trail on Kaua’i’s famed Na Pali coast, one of the 5 best things to see on Kauai. All I can say – unbelievable.

Non-stop incredible views, one of the nicest beaches you’ll find anywhere, and undoubtedly the toughest hike we’ve subjected ourselves to so far. By a fair margin. The sweat, my god, the sweat. But despite the endless hills and valleys, peaks and creeks, ankle bending rock strewn paths, and even treacherous Crawler’s Ledge perched high above the pounding surf of the Pacific, it was still more than worth it in the end. Now for a little game:

Test Your Knowledge of the Kalalau Trail

1. Who originally pioneered the Kalalau Trail and for what purpose?

a) Ancient Polynesian cannibals on the hunt for something that “tastes a little North Shore”
b) Hunters trekking to sell goat testicles at 7/11
c) Pacific Ocean mer-men to practice walking on land away from prying eyes
d) Ricky Schroeder, because he could

2. Essential gear for hiking the trail includes the following:

a) Thong bikini and Converse high tops
b) Multi-tool with lasso and buttplug features
c) Trail of bread crumbs
d) Ring of Power

3. The most common cause of death on the Kalalau Trail (34 and counting) is:

a) Trying to write your name in the ocean with urine
b) Mistaking goat excrement for tasty, tasty berries
c) Greeting fellow hikers with secret Kalalau handshake – Indian Leg Wrestling
d) Leprosy

4. What is the traditional phrase to be screamed while plummeting to your
death from Crawler’s Ledge (translated into English)?

a) Quick, get a picture of me with the ocean in the background!
b) NOW I’m afraid of heights.
c) Noooooooooooooo………….ouch.
d) I lied at the Pepsi taste test!

5. The Kalalau Trail is most often described as:

a) A technologically advanced thoroughfare light years ahead of its time
b) Similar to swallowing a breaded tuna whole
c) As beautiful as the unsteady steps of a newborn foal
d) Perfect for punishing fat kids

Now to add up your scores:

1. a – 1, b – 2, c – 0, d – 1

2. a – 2, b – 0, c – 1, d – 1

3. a – 2, b – 1, c – 1, d – 0

4. a – 1, b – 2, c – 1, d – 0

5. a – 1, b – 0, c – 2, d – 1

If you scored:

9-10: Pack your thong and shave your ass, you’re ready to hike

6-8:  Periodic bouts of necrophilia are all that keep you from achieving greatness

3-5:  Mediocrity fits you like a glove, as does your Burger King uniform

0-2:  You should be wearing a helmet at all times

Anyway, now we see that it’s even easier to appreciate the amazing Kauai sunsets now that our time there is done and we’ve spent a couple days in the insanity that is Honolulu. Waikiki Beach, in particular. Kaua’i is all lush green mountains, clear streams and quiet beaches while Waikiki is all shoulder to shoulder competition for beach space and “buy my cheap necklaces, loser”. Although kudos for having the festive atmosphere of a Japanese game show.

No, Kaua’i was a great experience, although it felt almost a little too easy for our marginally warped tastes. In fact, if it weren’t for the Kalalau hike we’d have felt practically pampered, not that we’d have complained while eating great Italian food or munching oreos in our well-equipped condo. And so many beaches…..

See you all soon.

Dean & Laynni

“Kaua’i – Like Mexico, But Less Syphilis”

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