Postcards from Puerto Vallarta

Puerto Vallarta is good. Really hot. Sweating a lot. But drinking lots of beer. Mmmm, beer. And getting a really good sunburn (ha ha). Watched the hockey game at a bar last night. It sucked. And they never did bring our shrimp platter. But we drank lots of beer. Mmmm, beer. Julie got drunk and spit on Christian Slater. Or a guy who looked like Christian Slater, anyway. A Mexican Christian Slater. Stupid Julie. Gotta go, I think it’s time for second breakfast. Or first lunch. Mmmm, beer.

Hi from Puerto Vallarta! You wouldn’t believe the shopping down here – everything’s a great deal! The first day I bought some jewelry. Then yesterday I got some more jewelry. And this morning we went down to the market and found a whole bunch of terrific, well, jewelry. Outstanding. Keith is doing a terrific job of holding my jewelry, too. I bought so much stuff from this one guy on the Malecon that he threw in a free bracelet, and a four year old kid. A boy, I think, but I think they’re all worth pretty much the same anyway. He also gave me a “buy six at 300%, get one for half price” coupon that’s only valid tomorrow between 9 and 12, which sounds a little too good to pass up, so it looks like our shopping’s not quite done yet. Although Keith assures me that if we get there before 9 there will be more selection, plus he’ll see how eager we are and basically give stuff away, like at Sasktel.

Yo, what up homies? Having a blast here in Mexico. Went deep sea fishing yesterday and got our shizzle on. Caught 1 ½ fish and only two people puked from heatstroke. And never got attacked by any whales, not this time. I think a lot of the fish got scared off by your mom’s laugh, though, and El Capitan seemed to have a hard time steering the boat and grinding with her at the same time. Now she’s wearing a Canada cape….whatever, mang. Puerto Vallarta is da bomb, except for Mexican food, it pretty much sucks, except for the cow’s peeps, of course. And the beer. Well, actually, the beer sucks too, but I still drink it cuz a boy’s gotta get mammered, know what I’m sayin? And I could do without all the Mexicans. And the sand was really hot. But it didn’t matter because for a couple decent tips they’ll bring free booze right to your shaded lounger all day long. Now I’m off to do a little ‘norkelin. Shit yeah! Peace out.

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Finally got a little active yesterday and played some volleyball with Andie, Mark and a Mexican guy in a Speedo that didn’t leave much to the imagination. Not that I was imagining anything. Because I wasn’t. We were just teammates. And I said his smile was nice is all, just an observation. Good serve, too. You know what, I’m getting sick and tired of all this interrogation. There’s nothing a guy can do about his dreams, you know, so I wish everyone would just quit talking about that naked vacuuming thing with Ron Howard, it’s really not relevant. Me likes the bitches! You better believe it. Look, I’ll prove it…I know it’s only Julie, but it still counts, right? Het…er…o.

Hi! Guess what! Got engaged yesterday! To Marv! I mean, Mark! Yeah, I’m 95% sure it’s Mark. Anyway, unfortunately it wasn’t the guy I was hoping would ask, but I’m not even sure Mike’s looking for a 2nd wife, and either way I still don’t know if I believe what he told me about polygamy being legal as long as you don’t leave the resort. Sounds weird. You must at least need a permit or something. Other than that, today we got drunk on the beach and Mark burnt the left side of his back and his right hand, not sure how. Just that it had something to do with too much rum and a guy named Braulio. Nonetheless, I still beat everyone at Catch Phrase. Tomorrow planning to play some ping pong, pound two Strawberry Daiquiris and pick up maybe just a hint of traveler’s diarrhea.

Whooo! On our third hour of playing Categories by the pool, I’m fuuulll of beer. Ew. Gonna switch to Miami….Miami…um…the pink ones. Get me some suuuggaarr!! Ok, where was I? Oh right, jewelry. No, haven’t bought anything yet but I’ve been helping everyone bargain. They’re lucky to have me. Obviously. Whooo! A rule, why do I always have to pick a category? Ok….types of tampon. What do you mean I already used that one? Always use it? Whatever. Not my fault you keep your flash drives in a pink tampon container. Huh? Yeah, I’ll “makes no sense” you! Oooh, hola! Um, um, deuce mouse Miami Vices pore favore! Dos! I mean “Dos”! Mas! Gotta go! Grasseeyus! Aaaa deee ose!