The main day of the year for being grateful and appreciative is almost here, so we have put together a list of all the best funny Thanksgiving quotes for your next post. And if you’re looking for short funny Thanksgiving sayings for Instagram, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Funny Thanksgiving Quotes
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“The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?” —Jim Gaffigan
“Thanksgiving—when the people who are the most thankful are the ones who didn’t have to cook. – Melanie White
“I got to go home for Thanksgiving and sit at the adults’ table. That’s ’cause, you know, somebody had to die for me to move up a plate.” —Andre Kelley
“Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.” – Stephen Colbert
“Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas.” —Richard Roeper
“If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe.”—Carl Sagan
“Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America’s obesity statistics.”—Stephen Colbert
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.”—Andy Borowitz
“I like football. I find it an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”—Craig Ferguson
“Archeologists 10,000 years from now will believe this was a sacred feast where gravy boats were worshipped.”—Just Bill
“But see, in our open clearings, how golden the melons lie; Enrich them with sweets and spices, and give us the pumpkin-pie!” – Margaret Junkin Preston
“Thanksgiving offers us an annual pause from the pace of life return to places we do not often visit and gather with people we do not often see.” – Jay Milbrandt
“I always think it’s funny when Indians celebrate Thanksgiving. I mean, sure, the Indians and Pilgrims were best friends during the first Thanksgiving, but a few years later, the Pilgrims were shooting Indians. So I’m never quite sure why we eat Turkey like everybody else.” – Sherman Alexie, The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
“Here I am, 5 o’clock in the morning, stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird’s butt.” – Rosanne in Rosanne
“I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.” —Erma Bombeck
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
“Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.”—Rita Rudner
“You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.”—Jay Leno
“Coexistence: What the farmer does with the turkey—until Thanksgiving.”—Mike Connolly
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.”—Ina Garten
“Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftover in aluminum foil and throw them out.”—Nicole Hollander
“Good mashed potato is one of the great luxuries of life.” —Lindsey Bareham
“Pie makes everybody happy.”—Laurie Halse Anderson
“It’s Thanksgiving and we should not want to be together, together!”—Rachel Green, Friends
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.”—Charlie Brown
“Overeating at Thanksgiving is a case in point. It’s a national tradition.” – Eric Samuel Timm
“A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.”—Kin Hubbard
“After a good dinner one can forgive anybody, even one’s own relations.”—Oscar Wilde
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.”—George Bernard Shaw
“Of all of the food filled holidays, Thanksgiving reigns king in the United States.” – Gia Scott
“People who love to eat are always the best people. – Julia Child
“It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with gourmet status.” – Russell Baker
“On Thanksgiving Day we acknowledge our dependence.”—William Jennings Bryan
“The Thankstini: A fun and delicious new novelty drink I invented. Cranberry juice, potato vodka, and a bouillon cube. Tastes just like a turkey dinner.” – Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“When asked if my cup is half-full or half-empty my only response is that I am thankful I have a cup.” – Sam Lefkowitz
“When I started counting my blessings, my whole life turned around.” – Willie Nelson
“I don’t see how a pumpkin patch could be more sincere than this one.” —It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
“I tromped through the pumpkin patch.” —The Nightmare Before Christmas
“No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees, no fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds — November!” — Thomas Hood
“‘So what do we do?’ We do what all families do. Grin, bear it, and pass the mashed potatoes.” – Heather Brewer, Eleventh Grade Burns
“The funny thing about Thanksgiving ,or any big meal, is that you spend 12 hours shopping for it then go home and cook, chop, braise and blanch. Then it’s gone in 20 minutes and everybody lies around sort of in a sugar coma and then it takes 4 hours to clean it up.” – Ted Allen
“You can’t have Thanksgiving without turkey. That’s like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas.”—Joey Tribbiani, Friends
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
“I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.” —Jon Stewart
“My fondest memories are generally the day after Thanksgiving. I get the total decorating Christmas itch.” – Katharine McPhee
“The turkey. The sweet potatoes. The stuffing. The pumpkin pie. Is there anything else we can agree so vehemently about? I don’t think so.” – Nora Ephron
“I dropped the turkey after rubbing olive oil all over it. I rinsed it off, rubbed the oil on again, and cooked it. Didn’t tell anybody for 10 years… I just told them last year. Oh well, it didn’t kill anybody or make them sick!” – Debbie K. Jefferson
“Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence.” —Erma Bombeck
“I’d say the first thing you need is … a pumpkin.” —Cinderella
“Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?”—Kenny Rogerson
“It has been an unchallengeable American doctrine that cranberry sauce, a pink goo with overtones of sugared tomatoes, is a delectable necessity of the Thanksgiving board and that turkey is uneatable without it.” – Alistair Cooke
“It’s not too much food. This is what we’ve been training for our whole lives. This is our destiny, this is our finest hour.” – Lorelai Gilmore, Gilmore Girls
“Real ballplayers pass the stuffing by rolling it up in a ball and batting it across the table with a turkey leg.”—Tom Swyers
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.” – Phyllis Diller
“I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online.” —Kumail Nanjiani
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.”—Damien Fahey
“It’s like being at the kids’ table at Thanksgiving – you can put your elbows on it, you don’t have to talk politics… no matter how old I get, there’s always a part of me that’s sitting there.” – John Hughes
“Turkey for the girls and Turkey for the boys. My favorite kind of pants are corduroys. Gobble gobble goo and Gobble gobble gickel. I wish turkey only cost a nickel. Oh I love turkey on Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everybody!” – Adam Sandler, The Thanksgiving Song
“There is one day that is ours. There is one day when all we Americans who are not self-made go back to the old home to eat saleratus biscuits and marvel how much nearer to the porch the old pump looks than it used to. Thanksgiving Day is the one day that is purely American.” – O. Henry
“I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that?” —Howie Mandel
“I know what I’m having for Thanksgiving and it ain’t turkey.” – Anthony T. Hincks
“You know that just before the first Thanksgiving there was one wise old Native American woman saying, “Don’t feed them. If you feed them, they’ll never leave.”—Dylan Brody
“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.” — David Letterman
“Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.” —Melanie White
“I love Thanksgiving because it is a holiday centered around food and family, two things that are of utmost importance to me.” – Marcus Samuelsson
“If you’re ever wondering what to wear, just dress like a pumpkin, you’re good to go. — Devendra Banhart
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.”—Robert Brault
“When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving. But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog. Only kidding. It was the cat!” – David Letterman
“Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.” —Johnny Carson
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” – P.J. O’Rourke
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
“Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line.” —John Lyon
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” – Erma Bombeck
“We began to view Thanksgiving as just another paid holiday.” – Shari MacDonald
“Thanksgiving was nothing more than a pilgrim-created obstacle in the way of Christmas; a dead bird in the street that forced a brief detour.” – Augusten Burroughs
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.”—Jimmy Fallon
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” – Damien Fahey
“Only the knife knows what goes on in the heart of a pumpkin.”— Simone Schwarz-Bart
“If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.” —Mitch Hedberg
“Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty.”—Michael Dresser
“It’s like going back to school. You know, autumn! Time for ‘Harry Potter’.” — Robbie Coltrane
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Happy Thanksgiving Sayings, Thanksgiving Messages for Friends and Family, Thanksgiving Wishes and Fall Puns.
Funny Thanksgiving Sayings
Pumpkin season has begun
Pure pumpkin goodness
It’s all gravy, baby
This Thanksgiving, my heart is bursting with gratitude, and my pants are bursting with several helpings of mashed potatoes.
On this Thanksgiving day, let us be grateful that we were not born turkeys. Happy Thanksgiving!
Don’t sweat the fall stuff
It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.
We may not have it all together, but together, we have it all.
Current status: stuffed like a turkey
Eat, drink, and wear stretchy pants
Thanksgiving: Bringing out the best in family dysfunction since 1863.
It’s not the minutes spent at the table that put on weight, it’s the seconds.
Hope your Turkey Day is full of fun, food, family, and most importantly, football.
Autumn skies and pumpkin pies
There’s always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it’s just not being a turkey.
Don’t stop be-leafing
Fall? You mean football season!
May the turkey leg be yours this Thanksgiving.
This wine pairs well with a crazy family
Stop, drop, and pass the rolls
Here’s the one photo we got before the food coma hit…
Fall is my excuse for pumpkin everything
Thankful, blessed, and mashed potato obsessed
B-autumns up
May your stuffing be tasty. May your turkey be plump. May your potatoes and gravy have nary a lump. May your yams be delicious and your pies take the prize, and may your Thanksgiving dinner stay off your thighs!
Turkey and wine and I’m feeling fine
Hope your relatives stay relatively sober and relatively non-political this Turkey Day.
Falling for this season
May your Turkey Day be full of excitement… except for a couple of hours in there when you want to take a nap.
By this time my blood type is pumpkin spice
This Thanksgiving, may your heart be as full as your belly.
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Turkey Day is the moist wonderful time of the year.
Thanksgiving is here, and I cran-barely contain my excitement. Hope you have a great Turkey Day.
Gobble ’til you wobble
A best friend is someone who lets you have the last piece of pumpkin pie. Happy Thanksgiving to you!
This is a reminder to set your scale back ten pounds this weekend.
Hay baby, hay baby, hay!
May the wishbone snap in your favor this Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving!
To do: Eat, drink, nap. Repeat.
I hope your Thanksgiving table is full of your favorite food and surrounded by your favorite people.
Hit me, gravy, one more time
Leftovers are for quitters.
Let’s get basted
Autumn leaves and pumpkins please
Pumpkin Everything
Oh my gourd I love fall
I was going to wish you a Happy Turkey Day, but I didn’t want to use any fowl language.
I’ve never met a pumpkin I didn’t like
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope you enjoy some moist turkey on your dinner table, and some juicy gossip around it.
If you’re not into fall, you can leaf me alone
May your pants stay stretchy, your glasses stay full, and your family avoid talking politics.
Cutest pumpkins in the patch
Keep calm and gobble on
Keep calm and fall on
I’m no Cinderella, but I know that pumpkins are magical
Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas, except you don’t get any presents for holding in your familial rage.
So that is it for our list of Funny Thanksgiving Quotes and Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
About the Author
Laynni Locke
Laynni has been sharing her travel adventures and day-to-day life on Routinely Nomadic social media for over 15 years and appreciates the importance of finding the perfect quote or caption to showcase those experiences. Putting her extensive writing and education background to good use, Laynni has become passionate about researching and curating comprehensive lists of all the best quotes and captions for every occasion.