The Atitlán Gazette 2020

As February draws to a close, so does our latest stay on Lake Atitlán. It’s bittersweet, as always. On the one hand, I’m excited to hit the road again, explore new places, see some new things, complain about new bathrooms. On the other, having become fully immersed in the generally tepid pace of life here on the lake (it usually only takes a week or so to fully slow down to “lake speed”), the idea of getting moving again – buses, airports, planes, delays, waiting, confusion, sleeping sitting up – can also feel pretty daunting.

I know that within days we’ll be used to it again and actually having a whole list of things to do – or places to go, or transportation to figure out – each day as opposed to just a single hike, or “extra long happy hour”, or something equally simple to manage, will once again feel like the norm. But those first couple days…

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See also:

The Ultimate Guide to Lake Atitlan

Our 2023 Lake Atitlan FAQ Recap

Anyway, while I’m sure the sympathy cups runneth over and all that, I’ll stop whining about our exciting upcoming journey to Portugal, Spain and Morocco. Instead I’ll move on to a general recap of our most recent 2 months here in Guatemala, sharing some vaguely relevant headlines and occasionally noteworthy stories from life on Atitlán, circa 2020.

Jogging Makes Me Feel Great, Claims Man Dangerously Close to Medical Collapse

Everyone Should Probably Get Another Drink, Suggests Woman Enjoying Two-Beer Lunch

Boat Captain Wearing Life Jacket Draws Concerned Glances from Passengers

“This Isn’t What It Looks Like”, Claims Scorpion Found on Floor Next to Toilet

Drunk Partygoers Continuing Obsession with Reflection Photos Reaches Fever Pitch

Common Cold Leaves Area Man Shocked, Furious

San Marcos Hippie Growth Rate Reaches All-Time High, Kombucha Prices Skyrocket

Middle-Aged Soccer Player Given Timeout for Playing Too Rough

Return Visitors Spend Entire First Week Cataloging and Analyzing Changes Since Last Year

“It’s Not That He’s Skinny, He’s Just Not Fat”, explains man mysteriously

Crowded Campground Lovingly Referred to as “Little India”

Nude Sunbather Frolics More Discreetly Out of Respect for Local Customs

San Marcos la Laguna – A 22-year old American woman caused a stir this week by sunbathing topless in close proximity to the public dock. The woman, who asked to be referred to by her ethereal name, Harmony Fig, spent the better part of 15 minutes scampering about gaily, flinging her hair in a playful manner and, eventually, attempting to climb a dead tree in the water near the dock. Not surprisingly, this drew plenty of attention from the traditionally dressed Mayan locals, with reactions varying from disapproving frowns to wide-eyed stares. Asked if she had any second thoughts about baring her body in such a conservative community, Ms. Fig explained that she has a responsibility to the universe to be free and to share that freedom with those less enlightened, as well as those whose breasts aren’t quite as perky and fetching as hers. Those women, she explained, may not have the kind of breasts made to be shared with the public but surely take heart from the brave nudity of a fellow female. In fact, she has made it her mission to spend the entire 6 weeks of vacation from her job as a pharmaceutical rep in Phoenix, Arizona spreading joy as a free spirit, sharing the enlightenment she achieved in a recent 3-day meditation and ayahuasca retreat to empower local Guatemalan women through nudity and uninhibited recreational drug use.

“I literally have not worn shoes since I left home and you have no idea, like, just how connected I feel to the earth right now. I can literally feel her generosity coursing through me every time I walk down the stone path past all the incredibly powerful peace necklaces and Pachamama anklets for sale.”

Ms. Fig began then proceeded to elaborate on the tremendous physical benefits of going braless and never, under any circumstances, eating beef, just very occasionally chicken, and maybe pork if it’s in a nice, clean restaurant, but unfortunately had to cut the interview short as she had to rush to the ATM in preparation for the epic Mayan full moon ceremony that night, featuring DJ Ziggy Chakra, explaining that it was still going to take her at least a couple hours, she estimated, to get all her feathers arranged into her clumpy, unwashed hair in just the right pattern.

Poor Fisherman Happily Puts Finding Food for his Family on Hold to Recover Gringa’s Flip Flop from Lake

“What Am I Really Accomplishing Here?”, Wonders Madly Barking Dog

New Bar’s Wooden Floor, Lack of Windows, Deemed Perfect Level of Rustic by Local Alcoholics

As Happy Hour Crowd Swells to 20 Participants, Regulars Lament “Good Old Days With 8 or 10”

Elderly Man Accosted on Road by Hippie Women Wearing Animal Skulls May Have Been Asking for It

Weekly Brunch Group Trying New Restaurant Distraught Over Size of Fruit Bowl

Annual Pub Crawl Itinerary Revised to Include Leathery Chicken, Demonstrative Pee Joke

Peeping Drone Just Doing What Nature Intended

Pasaj-Cap, Guatemala – A travelling drone made waves outside a residential complex this week by flying in close proximity to a number of a vacation rental apartments. A number of tenants reported irritating and distracting noises, while one woman even claimed the drone hovering outside her apartments was disturbing her daily routine.

“Our shower’s all glass with a view of the lake, which is pretty great, so I can live with it every now and then when the neighbour’s guardian stares up at me showering. But a drone? How am I even supposed to know what kind of pervert is invading my privacy? It could be a man, a woman, a child, who the hell knows? My god, they might even be Dutch. What if they’re Dutch? What then?”

Pro-drone activists, on the other hand, argue that when drones loudly buzz around public spaces and creepily spy on people in various states of undress or sexual congress they are simply acting on the innate instincts that nature provided them. Austrian Jonas Pichler, avid “van-lifer” and proud owner of a frenetic and occasionally-leashed cocker spaniel, feels drones are often unfairly persecuted despite simply fulfilling the natural purpose of their 3 to 6-month life cycle.

“Do we blame the sun for rising, the fish for swimming, the dogs for barking? Well, sometimes people get mad about the dogs. But still, these drones, this is the life they were born to live. Flying, making noise, recklessly invading the personal space of strangers, this is all they know. All they will ever know… and isn’t that the greatest tragedy of all?”

Anonymous Source Admits Men’s Spiritual Group Mainly About Beer, Food

San Marcos la Laguna – Inside sources confirmed yesterday the long-held public suspicion that the Men’s Spiritual Group, or “MSG”, that takes place in or near San Marcos on a roughly bi-weekly basis, is perhaps more materialistic than strictly spiritual. The esteemed group generally consists of visiting male gringos of a certain age and is especially popular with those whose spouses normally allow them very little independence. Most meetings are held parallel to “Women’s Pana Trips”, and it is the unusual absence of spouses that seems to be the primary trigger. Members of this exclusive club refer to each other by odd spirit names and often imply that these communal round tables serve mainly to discuss and debate the important issues of our current times. One source, however, speaking on condition of anonymity, claims that many members have, in fact, no spiritual leanings whatsoever, and simply use the meetings as an excuse to eat unhealthy food and get drunk.

“Sure, at first there were all these plans to discuss politics and solve the big issues of the day, you know, serious stuff, things we couldn’t openly tackle in mixed company. Funny movies, political correctness, favourite flavours of beer, is smoking ok if you only do it now and then when you drink? Stuff like that. It was exhilarating. Using our spirit names lent a gravity to the situation that might otherwise have been lacking. But these days it seems less about the important things like gas prices and best airports and far more about more mundane things, like how good was that chicken milanesa, was the beer cold enough, or even too cold, and whether or not someone would be able to finish a really huge plate of spaghetti. It really feels like we’ve lost our way. Mind you, those nachos were pretty great, and I’m really looking forward to trying the pizza next time, so maybe it’s not all bad.”

Passing Swimmer Thinks Naked Woman Chose Really Weird Time to Crawl Out of Water

Guatemalan Rock-Breaker Gazes Enviously at Man Chopping Wood

Honorary Canadian “Looking Forward to Yoga with Justin”

Progressional Happy Hour Less Progressive than Anticipated

Man Thought He’d Be Better at Carrying Coins in His Ass

Hooded Creep Suspected of Making 8 Tourists Quite Uncomfortable

Child’s Piñata Eventually Defeated by 4 Grown Men with Sticks

Instances of Disoriented Hikers Being Verbally Abused by Old Women Wearing Rope Belts on the Rise, Authorities Warn

Santa Cruz la Laguna – There is growing concern among hikers in the Lago de Atitlán area this month following new reports of roving madwomen accosting passersby. Ongoing construction projects around Santa Cruz have resulted in local hiking trails being frequently altered, making them increasingly difficult to follow. As a result, hikers regularly end up off-track, wandering aimlessly among the thick bushes and undefined trails of the scenic Santa Cruz Valley, at which point some have reported being confronted by an extremely agitated woman of highly abnormal disposition. Generally accompanied by several angry, vociferous dogs of the relatively small size and indistinct heritage typical to canines of the area, she reportedly rebuffs any and all requests for directions, immediately launching into a loud, angry tirade in what seems to be a heavily accented version of Spanish, aggressively attacking these visitors on a number of subjects from property rights and privacy concerns to respect and the frightening of dogs. Not surprisingly, her actions have resulted in a diverse mix of responses from surprise, disbelief and anger to hearty amusement. Her latest victim explains,

“It was a bit shocking, to tell you the truth, since we were pretty sure we were following the main path until we ended up near some house and it seemed like maybe we’d taken a wrong turn somewhere. Suddenly these dogs come racing out, barking like the end of the world was coming, which isn’t all that surprising on its own, I mean, dogs around here go freaking nuts at the drop of a hat, but then this foreign woman shows up too and we’re thinking, great, someone who can point us in the right direction. But right from the start something seemed a little off, maybe it was her hair, this big grey halo that looked like it hadn’t seen a brush in decades, and she was either barefoot or had big holes in her shoes, I can’t remember exactly. But it was that belt that really worried me, if you can call it that, it was really just some rope tied in the kind of knot a kid might use, and cinched up really tight to hold up these goofy jeans that must have been made for someone twice her size. I mean, it was straight out of Deliverance, for real. Anyway, once she started ranting we realized we weren’t getting any help from that end, that was for sure, and neither of us really wanted to find out more about this crazy person’s Hannibal Lecter story and end up on the side of a milk carton or something. I mean, if that had milk cartons in Guatemala. You know what, I’m not sure what they use for that kind of thing. Flats of Gallo, maybe. Either way, she was freaking nuts, man.”

After Six Spectacular Volcanic Eruptions, Man Takes Break to Do Stuff on Phone

German Man Spills Drink

Man Awkwardly Crapping on Edge of Sandy Cliff Quietly Pleased With Results

“San Marcos? Tzununá?”, Ask Inquisitive Tuk-Tuk Drivers

Talkative Area Man “Smooth Like a Marriage Counselor”, Apparently

St. Patrick’s Day Party Fairly Green, But Could Have Been Greener

More Surly Englishmen in Lake This Year, Claim Locals

Single Man Eager to Find a Willing “Throuple” Still Calling it “Truffling”

San Marcos la Laguna – A new trend in Netflix programming focuses almost entirely around “throuples”, three-person relationships that are rapidly gaining mainstream popularity, or so the network marketing department is very much hoping. Clearly titillated by the idea, one local bachelor weighed in:

“Sure, I’m a single man of a certain age, of course I would be very interested in having access to other men’s wives. Obviously. Overall, I’m really just excited this whole truffling business is becoming so common. I think it’s really going to open up some possibilities for me. Especially from a sexual perspective. Although it’s always nice when people cook for me, too.”

Annual Decathlon Ends in Dramatic Tie, Winner Decided by Grueling Round of Tippy Cup

Small-Lunged Englishman Defeated by Balloon

Brand New Hippie Loving Feel of Rusty Old Screws Between Bare Toes

Stray Dog Eagerly Awaiting Free Sterilization Day

Regulars Thrilled by Upgraded Chicken Bus Movie Rotation Featuring Execution-Style Murders, 65% More Blood

Quebec Man Bullied Over Size of Towel

So, there you have it, another Atitlán stay summed up in some obscure headlines. It could probably also have been accurately described the same as every year – a fair bit of hiking, most of which end in beer and food, regular morning swims, a bit of soccer, a bit of jogging to (theoretically) get ready for soccer, daily happy hour, weekly big happy hours with food and tequila, getting caught up on writing, getting behind on downloading, keeping right on top of reading and watching stuff, killed a lot of flies, although not as many as in some years. Really, the main reason I went with Leigh to climb that volcano was so there was something to tell this year apart when I eventually look back and “2020” means nothing to my fading memory.