Holidays, parties and time with family and friends make Christmas the perfect time for a great joke or two, which is why we have gathered all the best funny Christmas quotes for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny Christmas sayings, we also have you covered.
Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.
Funny Christmas Wishes and Sayings
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Sugar and spice make the holidays nice
Here’s my resting Grinch face
Life is short, eat the Christmas cookies.
Don’t get your tinsel in a tangle
Merry up and have your best Christmas ever!
In a world full of grinches, be a Cindy Lou Who!
Snowy hair, don’t care. It’s Christmas!
Sending your way, a bundle of warm wishes and good luck on this holiday. Take my love and don’t forget to bring presents for me tonight. Merry Christmas!
A Christmas shopper’s complaint is one of long-standing.
May your days be filled with magic and cheer!
Christmas…hope yours is all about the merry!
HO! HO! HOpe your holidays are filled with fun!
I’m only a morning person on December 25th.
I Wish Santa fill your socks with candy and your wallet with money. Have a nice and warm holiday season my love! Merry Christmas to you!
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
Christmas is all about spending time with good people. So makes sure you spend the entire day with me tomorrow. Merry Christmas, sweetheart!
Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.
Christmas is a magical time of year… I just watched all my money magically disappear.
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
I really hope you like this gift that you specifically told me to buy for you.
A Christmas Reminder: Don’t try to borrow any money from elves; They’re always a little short! Have a Merry Christmas!
Drink up grinches
Enjoy this Christmas till you find your name in Santa’s naughty list. May you have a great holiday!
Merry Christmas with all the trimmings!
You can find us under the mistletoe
Mentally I am ready for Christmas, financially I am not ready for Christmas.
Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental
Christmas is a race to see which gives out first—your money or your feet.
Christmas is the festival of love and spirit. So let us drink the spirit to feel love; Merry Christmas too!
Dear Santa…can you please define “nice?”
A mistle-toast to the holiday season
Santa told me you’d been very good this year; I told him it was just a lack of opportunity. Merry Christmas!
’Tis the season to sparkle and shine
Sleigh all day, then cabernet
I am only a morning person on December 25th.
Let’s make this a December to remember
Lob a snowball at me, and I’ll declare war. Let’s make this one the best Christmas for us together! Merry Christmas to you!
All spruced up and ready the jingle the night away
Believe in your elf
Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.
Jolly holly-days to you and yours!
You had me at ho ho ho
Dear Santa, before I explain, how much do you know already?
People really act weird at Christmas time! What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat nuts and sweets out of your socks?
RELATED POST: December Quotes and Sayings for the most festive of months
All I want for Christmas is you… and cookies… and hot chocolate
Hope this season finds you all wrapped up in happy!
Once you stop believing in Santa, you get underwear for Christmas.
If you can’t wrap Christmas presents well, at least make it look like they put up a good fight.
All I want for Christmas is…food!
It’s all fun and games until Santa checks the naughty list
I’m dreaming of a white Christmas. But if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.
Merry Christmas to someone who’s always on Santa’s “nice” list!
Dear Santa, I was framed
Single all the way
Wishing you a white Christmas this year. If you run out of the white one, remember I have plenty of supply for the red one. Merry Christmas
Merry Kiss-mas!
Dear Santa, If you promise to be nice and give me everything on my list, I promise to give you the antidote to those poison cookies you just ate. Thank you.
Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
Decorate your Christmas with joy!
Be naughty, save Santa the trip
I would say all I want for Christmas is YOU, But I really would love a new credit card as well!
Christmas is truly full of wonders. It makes all of my savings disappear! That is the Christmas magic; Merry Christmas!
Christmas is mostly for children. But we adults can enjoy it too until the credit card bills arrive! Merry Christmas!
Christmas break to-do list: Eat, drink, nap
May all your sweaters be ugly and bright!
I hope your smiles will be as big as your credit card bill this Christmas! Wish you good luck and a lot of fun. Happy Christmas!
Santa has already given me what I wished for so long. Now I want him to fill your socks too! Merry Christmas!
Get your “It’s just what I wanted” face on!
I hope Santa fills our socks with cash instead of gifts and toys. I know you hope for the same. Wish you a happy Christmas!
Christmas is the season when you buy this year’s gifts with next year’s money.
You know what I got for Christmas? Fat.
If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Santa Quotes, Short Happy New Year Wishes, Merry Christmas Greetings, Short Happy New Year Quotes, Grinch Quotes and Secret Santa Messages.
Funny Christmas Quotes
“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.” — Kin Hubbard
“Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer…. Who’d have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously? ” ― Bill Watterson
“Just because I cannot see it, doesn’t mean I can’t believe it!” – Jack Skellington in The Nightmare Before Christmas
“Charlie, stay away from those things. They’re reindeer, you don’t know where they’ve been. They all look like they’ve got key lime disease.” – Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause
“Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space.” – Dave Berry
“Santa Clause wears a red suit. He must be a communist. And long hair. He must be a pacifist. What’s in that pipe he’s smoking?” — Arlo Guthrie
”Christmas to a child is the first terrible proof that to travel hopefully is better than to arrive.” — Stephen Fry
”From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist, it would be necessary to invent it.” – Katharine Whitehorn
“I don’t know what to say, but it’s Christmas, and we’re all in misery.” — National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
“Rats. Nobody sent me a Christmas card today. I almost wish there weren’t a holiday season. I know nobody likes me. Why do we have to have a holiday season to emphasize it?” – Charlie Brown in A Charlie Brown Christmas Movie
“Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas.” — Stephen Jones
“We’re your worst nightmare. Elves with attitude.” — E.L.F.S. Leader in The Santa Clause
“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it ‘Christmas’ and went to church; the Jews called it ‘Hanukkah’ and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say ‘Merry Christmas!’ or ‘Happy Hanukkah!’ or (to the atheists) ‘Look out for the wall!’” ― Dave Barry
“If you see a sign that says ‘Peep Show’, that doesn’t mean they’re letting you look at presents before Christmas.” – Father Christmas in Elf
“I just want to be rich enough to buy enough ornaments to cover more than one side of the tree.” — Charlotte Christmas
”A Christmas miracle is when your family doesn’t get into a single argument all day.” — Melanie White
“Next to a circus there ain’t nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.” — Frank McKinney Hubbard
“The ideal Christmas gift is money, but the trouble is you can’t charge it.” — Bill Vaughan
“Christmas is always a problem to the man who has to convince his kids that there is a Santa Claus, and his wife that there isn’t.” — Evan Esar
“How can you give Kris Kringle a parking ticket on Christmas Eve? What’s next, rabies shots for the Easter Bunny?” – Santa Claus in Home Alone
“Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and receipts for all major purchases.” — Bridger Winegar
“Christmas is a time when you get homesick, even if you’re home.” — Carol Nelson
“Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It’s like, ‘Oh great, socks. You know I’m dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They’ll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?’” – Jim Gaffigan
“‘White Christmas’ is the ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ of Christmas songs.” ― Stewart Stafford
“What I like about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with the present.” — Don Marquis
“‘Mistletoe,’ said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry’s head. He jumped out from under it. ‘Good thinking,’ said Luna seriously. ‘It’s often infested with nargles.’” — J.K. Rowling
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.” – Fred Rogers
“Be careful with drinking this Christmas. I got so drunk last night I found myself dancing in a cheesy bar… or, as you like to call it, delicatessen.” – Sean Hughes
“I grew up on a Christmas Tree Farm so this is a good season for me. I was too young to help with the hauling of the trees up the hills and putting them onto cars. So, it was my job to pull the praying mantis pods off of the Christmas trees. The problem with that is if you leave them on there, people bring them into their house. I forgot to check one time and they hatched all over these people’s house—and there were hundreds of thousands of them!” — Taylor Swift
“My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness.” — Dave Barry
“There’s something about a Christmas sweater that will always make me laugh.” — Kristen Wiig
“The best Christmas present I got from my husband was a week to do whatever I wanted.” – Olivia Haigh Williams
“More than Santa Claus, your sister knows when you’ve been bad and good.” — Linda Sunshine
“The outdoor Christmas lights, green and red and gold and blue and twinkling, remind me that most people are that way all year round — kind, generous, friendly and with an occasional moment of ecstasy. But Christmas is the only time they dare reveal themselves.” – Harlan Miller
“Christmas is a box of tree ornaments that have become part of the family.”— Charles M. Schulz
”Even before Christmas has said Hello, it’s saying ‘Buy Buy.’” — Robert Paul
“A Christmas tree, the perfect gift for a guy. The plant is already dead.” – Jay Leno
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.” — Steven Wright
“People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas.” — Anonymous
“May you never be too grown up to search the skies on Christmas eve.” – Anon
”I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” — Maya Angelou
“Christmas is the season when people run out of money before they run out of friends.” — Larry Wilde
“Do you know why so many people love Jesus? Without Jesus, no Christmas.” — Melanie White
“Christmas tree stands are the work of the devil and they want you dead.” – Bill Bryson
“Let me see if I’ve got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn’t laundering illegal drug money?” – Tom Armstrong
“I haven’t taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. — Winston Spear
“My husband’s idea of getting the Christmas spirit is to become Scrooge.” — Melanie White
“It’s that special time of year when your whole family gathers together in one place to look at their cellphones.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” — Phyllis Diller
“The older I get, the fewer useless gifts I get. The fewer I get, the less I have to wrap to re-gift for next Christmas.” — Robert Rivers
“I like indoor Christmas trees. And I like people who decorate their homes with lights and all that crap. I think it’s a healthy outlet for them. If they weren’t covering their lawns with twinkling lights, they’d be doing something that was really, really creepy.” – Lewis Black
”One good thing about Christmas shopping is it toughens you for the January sales.” — Grace Kriley
“Even as an adult, I still find it hard to sleep on Christmas Eve.” – Carrie Latet
“There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.” – Erma Bombeck
“There are some people who want to throw their arms round you simply because it is Christmas; there are other people who want to strangle you simply because it is Christmas.” – Robert Staughton Lynd
“Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.” – Tom Sims
”The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.” — Julius Sharpe
“At Christmas, tea is compulsory. Relatives are optional.” — Robert Godden
”It’s always consoling to know that today’s Christmas gifts are tomorrow’s garage sales.”— Milton Berle
“I get a little behind during Lent, but it comes out even at Christmas.” – Frank Butler
“Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.” – Erma Bombeck
“I’ve had this look for about a year. I usually grow this beard out around Christmas. I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and I like to then walk around the mall and go, ‘No! No! This wasn’t what it was supposed to be about, people!’ Then if there’s a Santa at the mall, I walk up to him and say, ‘Listen, fat man, you’re just a clown at my birthday party.’” – Marc Maron
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” – P.J. O’Rourke
“Pets, like their owners, tend to expand a little over the Christmas period.” – Fanny Wright
“When Santa squeezes his fat white a*s down that chimney tonight, he’s gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse.” – Clark Griswold in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
“Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall.” — Larry Wilde
“Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.” — Bart Simpson
“The principal advantage of the non-parental lifestyle is that on Christmas Eve you need not be struck dumb by the three most terrifying words that the government allows to be printed on any product: ‘Some assembly required.’” – John Leo
“You can’t fool me—there ain’t no Sanity Clause!” — Chico Marx
“I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.” – Maya Angelou
“Christmas is such a carefree, low-pressure time—that’s one of the things I love about it.” — Stephen King
“You can just hear Santa saying ‘Ho, Ho, Ho’ when you receive your credit card statement in January.” — Kate Summers
“T’was the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.” – Clement C. Moore
“Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.” Dave Barry
“My mother-in-law has come round to our house at Christmas seven years running. This year we’re having a change. We’re going to let her in.” – Leslie ‘Les’ Dawson, Jr.
”The main reason Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.” — George Carlin
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” – Guy Endore Kaiser
“All is calm, all is bright.” Whoever wrote Silent Night clearly hasn’t been to our house on Christmas Eve.” – Unknown
“Christmas, here again. Let us raise a loving cup; Peace on earth, goodwill to men, and make them do the washing up.” – Wendy Cope
“Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.” — Victor Borge
“That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“Cheer up, dude. It’s Christmas.” — The Grinch
“Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.” – Greg Fitzsimmons
“Thank you, Stockings, for being a long flammable piece of fabric people like to hang over a roaring fireplace.” — Jimmy Fallon
“The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.” — Jay Leno
“Down the chimney? You want me to take the toys down the chimney into a strange house, IN MY UNDERWEAR?” — Scott Calvin in The Santa Clause
“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.” — Elf
”We celebrate the birth of one who told us to give everything to the poor by giving each other motorized tie racks.” — Bill McKibben
“I was only kicking down the Christmas tree to get the star on top.” – Ray Bradbury
“One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don’t clean it up too quickly.” – Andy Rooney
“It’s Christmas Eve! It’s the one night of the year when we all act a little nicer, we smile a little easier, we cheer a little more. For a couple of hours out of the whole year, we are the people that we always hoped we would be.” — Bill Murray
“Who’s the bane of Santa’s life? The elf and safety officer.” – Catherine Tate
“I believe, I believe, it’s silly, but I believe.” – Susan Walker in Miracle on 34th
“As we struggle with shopping lists and invitations, compounded by December’s bad weather, it is good to be reminded that there are people in our lives who are worth this aggravation, and people to whom we are worth the same.” – Donald E. Westlake
“Lots of people were activating phones under the Christmas tree.” – Peter Ritcher
“Christmas trees don’t grow on trees; they need rainbows, lumberjacks, and Leprechauns on unicorns playing jock jams on glockenspiels.” – Ryan Ross
“I never get to see Santa Claus come down the chimney because I always get too tired and fall asleep from eating all his cookies while waiting for him. — Theodore W. Higginsworth
“I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, ‘So does the guy I stole it from.’” — David Letterman
“A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.” — Garrison Keillor
”There are 17 more shopping days until Christmas. So, guys, that means 16 more days till we start shopping, right?”— Conan O’Brien
“You have such a pretty face, you should be on a Christmas card!” – Elf
“Do give books – religious or otherwise – for Christmas. They’re never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal.” – Lenore Hershey
“There are a lot of things money can’t buy. Not one of them is on my son’s list.” — Milton Berle
“Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.” — Andy Borowitz
“I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.” — Shirley Temple
“SANTA! Oh my God! Santa, here?! I know him! I know him!” – Buddy in Elf
”Let’s be naughty and save Santa the trip.” — Gary Allan
“Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it.” – Richard Lamm
“Son of a nutcracker!” – Buddy in Elf
”Sending Christmas cards is a good way to let your friends and family know that you think they’re worth the price of a stamp.” — Melanie White
“There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them.” — P.J. O’Rourk
“Christmas Eve, a perfect night to express affection for your family, to forgive those who failed you, and to forget past mistakes.”
“I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, ‘Toys not included.’” — Bernard Manning
“I left Santa gluten-free cookies and organic soy milk and he put a solar panel in my stocking.” — Earthman Adam
“Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don’t quite know how to put our love into words.” – Harlan Miller
“There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.” – Dan Florence
“It may be a cliche, but it’s true – the build-up to Christmas is so much more pleasurable than the actual day itself.” – Julie Burchill
“Santa’s reindeer get around so fast because they have athletes feet.” — Kids Sure Are Funny
“It’s easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.” — Craig Ferguson
“Everyone knows the most important part of the Christmas celebration is spending time with family you don’t get to see very often. Then you have an excuse to neglect them for the rest of the year.” – Unknown
“Christmas sweaters are only acceptable as a cry for help.” — Andy Borowitz
“This holiday season, no matter what your religion is, please take a moment to reflect on why it’s better than all the other ones.” — Guy Endore Kaiser
“Am I just eating because I’m bored?” — The Grinch
“I set a personal record on Christmas. I got my shopping done three weeks ahead of time. I had all the presents back at my apartment, I was halfway through wrapping them, and I realized, ‘Damn, I used the wrong wrapping paper.’ The paper I used said, ‘Happy Birthday.’ I didn’t want to waste it, so I just wrote ‘Jesus’ on it.” — Demetri Martin
“There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.” — Bob Phillips
“One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.” — Louis C.K.
“Of course Santa is dead. You force a guy to eat a billion cookies in one night, what do you think is going to happen?” — Jimmy Kimmel
“I don’t want Christmas season to end, because it’s the only time I can legitimately indulge in on particular addiction: glitter.” — Eloisa James
“I like to compare the holiday season with the way a child listens to a favorite story. The pleasure is in the familiar way the story begins, the anticipation of familiar turns it takes, the familiar moments of suspense, and the familiar climax and ending.” – Fred Rogers
”The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.” — Johnny Carson
“I hate the radio this time of year because they play ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ like, every other song. And that’s just not enough. — Bridger Winegar.
“Christmas Shopping: Wouldn’t it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn’t have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone, was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in “Gift certificate for a flu shot.” – Erma Bombeck
”Christmas: It’s the only religious holiday that’s also a federal holiday. That way, Christians can go to their services, and everyone else can sit at home and reflect on the true meaning of the separation of church and state.” — Samantha Bee
There has been only one Christmas–the rest are anniversaries. – W.J. Cameron
“One can never have enough socks. Another Christmas has come and gone and I didn’t get a single pair. People will insist on giving me books.” – Professor Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone
“We elves try to stick to the four main food groups: candy, candy canes, candy corns and syrup.” — Elf
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That’s it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” — Anthony Jeselnik
“Nothing says holidays like a cheese log.” — Ellen Degeneres
“For Christmas this year, try giving less. Start with less attitude. There’s more than enough of that in the world as it is – and people will usually just give it back anyway!” – Anne Bristow
“What Eve is like the Christmas Eve?… In any land, A day so grand – So pure as Christmas Day.” – Louis Charles
“I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can’t wait to exchange.” — Henny Youngman
“You know you’re getting old when Santa starts looking younger.” — Robert Paul
“Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.” — Johnny Carson
“Christmas shopping. Never an easy or a pleasant task.” – Harry in Love Actually
So that is it for our list of Funny Christmas Quotes and Wishes. We hope you found the perfect one for you!
About the Author
Laynni Locke
Laynni has been sharing her travel adventures and day-to-day life on Routinely Nomadic social media for over 15 years and appreciates the importance of finding the perfect quote or caption to showcase those experiences. Putting her extensive writing and education background to good use, Laynni has become passionate about researching and curating comprehensive lists of all the best quotes and captions for every occasion.