The Palermo Weekend Gazette

Keeping you up to date with all the latest news of note from wonderful Palermo, the tourist heart of Buenos Aires, including local events, strange occurrences, editorial opinion pieces and the very best Nutella ads.

December Headlines

Windier on 15^th Floor Than 1^st, Confirms Exceptionally Perceptive Man

Toilet Paper Rationing Continues, Critics Blame Conspiracy of “Big Bidet”

Candy Stores Thriving, Obviously

Confused Tourist Orders Awkwardly, Receives Most Expensive Version

Maté Popularity Traced to People’s Love of Weird Metal Straws

Palermo, Buenos Aires – With the maté industry booming, any street in gentrified Palermo is sure to feature dozens of eager enthusiasts gleefully slurping down large quantities of this trendy tea. And, while some converts claim to actually “love” the acquired taste, it is telling that nobody has ever been seen drinking this bitter brew out of a plain mug.

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Skeptics suggest some people might simply be drinking it simply to ride the wave of its popularity, not so much enjoying the taste or appreciating its many unverified health benefits, but mainly just to look cool. Local pop culture guru, Rolando, suggests it is even more specific than that:

“A lot of people just really like that fancy leather cup because, you know, it stands out and is kind of funky and different from just a regular cup. But it’s that metal straw that puts it over the edge for lots of them. I mean, metal? That’s some crazy shit, right there.”

Some pop culture experts have even suggested it is only a matter of time before the iconic maté mug and straw combo overtakes the Starbucks to-go cup as the ultimate status symbol of pretentious middle-class singles ostentatiously relaxing on park benches.

High Volume Dog Walkers Appeal for Less Fibre

Architecture Weekly: Why Are Squeaky Bathroom Doors All the Rage?

Most Female Argentinian Cops “Hot”, Observes Middle-Aged Perv

Palermo Soho Preferred to Palermo Hollywood Due to Extra “Grit”

Hilarious! Tourist Mixes up Spanish Words for Ginger, Gin.

Fruta Fiesta, Buenos Aires – An ordinary shopping trip descended into chaos this week when a foreign man unwittingly asked for “ginebra”, the Spanish word for gin alcohol, instead of “jengibre”, the Spanish word for ginger root. Adolfo, a seasoned produce salesmen with more than 30 years experience providing fresh fruits and vegetables to the people of Palermo, had been quite happy with the way his day had gone up until the moment two uncertain-looking tourists entered.

“Right away they starting just scanning the shelves all intent-like, really serious, so I could tell they had something pretty specific in mind. I mean, most people just want some bruised bananas or giant mangoes or limp carrots or something, so I keep all that stuff right out front, you know. But these guys, they walked right past a bin just overflowing with soft old bananas without even pausing. Crazy.”

Apparently unsuccessful in their search, bystanders say the man eventually stopped and frowned with a dramatic sigh, before turning to Adolfo for assistance.

“And he’s like, excuse me, do you have any gin? And I’m like, GIN? So he repeats it, yeah, gin. Then he says it again, with a different kind of accent, like maybe he’s trying to sound European or something. And I don’t know what to say, I just laugh and am, like, hey, try the wine shop, buddy. And he’s, like, the wine shop? For gin? Yeah, of course, I say. And at this point he’s really thinking hard, I can tell, so he gets his phone out, right? Translating something, I guess, then, all of a sudden, he’s, like, ah, no, not GIN, GINGER. We’re looking for GINGER. Which, honestly, makes a lot more sense. So I’m, like, yeah, it’s right here. And then I charged him, like, triple or something, and we all had a good laugh and then they left.”

Famous Buenos Aires Rose Garden Not as Good as That One Big Rose Bush in San Martin, Claims Canadian Woman

Foreign Couple Ignored by Another Bus

Impossible Ketchup Packets Consistently Deliver Big Laughs

Health Watch: Which Came First, the Cold or the Cold Sore?

“Those Are Some Really Big Koi”, Points Out Visitor in Japanese Gardens

Bonsai trees and red bridge in Japanese garden in Buenos Aires

Entire City Smells Like Steak After 10 PM

Buenos Aires, Argentina – Officials were called to investigate a mysterious odour Tuesday, responding to reports of seductive late-night smells and intrusively savoury smoke. Several reports claim these evening odours were unmistakeable even to the untrained nose, aggressively stimulating saliva glands across the city, often at inconvenient moments, such as while brushing teeth or necking with a loved one.

Early reports suggest the smells can be traced to the presence of thousands of parrilla restaurants all around the city, all subjecting dead animal flesh to extremely high temperatures, usually late in the evening, a time when most doctors agree you should be focusing on getting ready for bed, not ingesting massive servings of meat.

“From a health standpoint, the best thing to be doing at 10 pm is preparing for the stresses of the next day, ideally through meditation, prayer, moderate hydration and responsibly limiting screen time. Hammering down a giant flank steak and a token chunk of broccoli this late puts a lot of unnecessary stress on the digestive system, even if it does taste goddamn amazing.”

Additional findings have confirmed that in more affluent areas, unwashed maté mugs also contribute to the general pungency.

Couple Successfully Holds Off Arguing Until Second Drink

Woman drinking beer in front of a gin special sign

Survivor Update: Area Woman Hopes the Annoying One Gets Sent Home

Woman watching TV as sun sets out the window

Argentina Culinary Report: Spring Rolls Full of Meat, Too

Huge Trees Completely Blocking Sidewalk Sun, Notices Guy on Street

Tree-lined street in Palermo Buenos Aires

Menacing Vibrators Feature Prominently in Airport Duty-Free

Ezeiza International Airport – Bargain hunters, loving couples and sexual deviants came together this weekend at Buenos Aires’ largest airport to browse outstanding deals on a wide selection of the city’s most aggressive sex toys. As the main feature display at the Ezeiza duty-free mega-shop, this impressive array of colossal dildos, elegant butt plugs and robust vibrators offers a little something for every traveller.

Rosa, experienced duty-free hostess, explains that sex toy sales are all about exposure and timing.

“Traditionally these items have been tucked away in the back of the store, out of sight of children and prudes. Which worked great for some, of course, like shy couples who didn’t want strangers to see them eyeing up one of our ethnic dildos or checking the texture of our sale-price anal toys, or the pervs. But if you really want to move some product, you have to get it right out there, for everyone to see. Because how will a passenger ever know if they like the idea of being absolutely destroyed by an carbon-fibre triple-pronged Masked Throbber* if there isn’t one staring you in the face while you’re rushing to your departure gate?”

*40% off while supplies last. Buy 3 and receive a complimentary set of rubber BDSM-Curious Nipple Clamps.