Welcome to the week’s top headlines from the historically famous and famously grungy Italian city of Naples. Napoli, to those Italianos in the crowd.
Airport Taxi Driver Thinks You Should Probably Pay More than That
Even Warm Indoor Setting Fails to Improve David’s Penis
Hectic Sanitá Neighbourhood a Cross Between Europe and Vietnam, Suggests Man Scrambling for Good Comparison
Piazza Sanitá, Naples – Making note of the busy streets, narrow sidewalks, bustling street stalls and effusive locals, visiting Canadian Dean Johnston’s mind raced in an attempt to find an equivalent location to compare it to. While the loud conversations and exaggerated hand gestures were unmistakably Italian, the ancient stone buildings and extravagant Catholic churches could fit in seamlessly in most of Europe. Meanwhile, the tiny alleys filled with old scooters and hopeful laundry lines had a distinct Hanoi feel to them. The occasional dead rat only served to strengthen the comparison.
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“Endlessly comparing new destinations to places we’ve been before is kind of standard practice for jaded, long-term travellers”, explained Johnston. “At a certain point we abandon simply enjoying the place and the moment, compelled as we are to mention every other place we’ve been that even remotely reminds us of this one”.
He then went on at length about how certain parts of Tunisia actually seemed a lot like the Greek Islands, “except for the food, of course, ha ha”.
First Beer in 24 Days Really Hits the Spot, Man Announces
“Lots of Scooters Here, Eh?” Canadian Man Points Out
Neapolitan Pizza Kicks Off 7 Straight Weeks of Bread and Cheese
Naples Also Full of Teens in Baggy Jeans Looking at Phones, Confirms Tourist
Piazza del Plebiscito, Naples – Displaying impressive powers of perception, a recently arrived Canadian tourist pointed out a large group of teens loitering nearby, citing them as the perfect example of just what he was talking about.
“See, check out the pants, super-baggy, just like the teens in South America. I mean, I know baggy’s back and all, but it’s kind of funny how they all look exactly the same. To me, I mean. They can probably tell themselves apart.”
They also seem very focused on their phones, he added, another intriguing trait he discovered through careful study and observation. “Interesting”, he commented, receiving no response.
Residents of Building with Instagram-Famous Staircase Would Prefer You All Piss Off
Folded Pizza, Fried Pizza, Olives – the Dark Side of Bored Restaurants
Man Orders First Ever Panuozetto, Thinks it Might Just be a Sandwich
Chaotic Scenes at Local Produce Stand
Piazzetta Crociferi, Naples – Long after finishing his meal and leaving the local panuozetto restaurant, a Canadian tourist was still struggling to make sense of what he’d seen at the neighbouring produce shop.
“Completely nuts, man”, he explained. “I was sitting outside at one of those little plastic tables, you know the ones, just drinking a Peroni and waiting for my panuozetto, whatever that is, and right across the street was this fruit and veggie stand with a bunch of people hanging around, most of them seemed to be working there, too, although it was hard to tell, considering all the shit going on.”
Still bewildered, he went on to describe a Caligula-like scene of dancing, singing, fake fighting and even the occasional brief but vigorous bout of dry-humping. He also pointed out there were a lot of cigarettes being smoked, too, but not any alcohol being drank, which he found surprising.
“Normally that’s the kind of thing you see at a party after, say, 3-4 hours and a few too many drinks, you know what I mean? Just random stuff, not making any sense, bouncing from one thing to the next without any rhyme or reason. And the dry-humping, that was a surprise, obviously. You just don’t see that as often in a workplace setting.”
He did agree that even though he couldn’t understand much of what was said, most of it seemed pretty funny. And he confirmed that most of the shenanigans took place a respectful metre or so from the fruit.
“This is a Lot of Cheese”, Says Woman Working on Fourth Mozza Ball
Epic Barrette Search Reaches Successful Conclusion in Barrette District
Tourists Following Local into Wrong Apartment Building Stared at Even More Than Usual
Sad McDonald’s Sundae Birthday Tradition Adds Naples Chapter
McDonald’s, Piazza Municipio, Naples – A tourist couple sharing a single McDonald’s caramel sundae drew sympathetic gazes from onlookers Saturday afternoon, with locals carefully avoiding eye contact so as to avoid embarrassing the apparently destitute couple. Middle-aged and wearing only slightly shabby clothing, they nonetheless were tourists in Italy, suggesting at least moderate financial means.
Yet, there they were, cheerfully attempting to properly frame a birthday photo, quite obviously attempting to make the cheap, mediocre ice cream treat the main focus of the photo. The husband explained:
“Yeah, it all started back when we were staying in La Peñita, in Mexico, which is kind of out in the boonies, right, so we only made it into Puerto Vallarta once in a while. And this one time, well, it happened to be Laynni’s birthday and she was really craving some ice cream, or caramel, or whatever, specifically the McDonald’s kind because it reminded her of home, I guess.”
The explanation didn’t end there, however.
“And let me tell you, she just loved it. So we’ve kept it up, getting her a McDonald’s sundae on her birthday, I mean, pretty much every year since. And we usually share it because she mostly like the caramel and doesn’t like to eat that much ice cream, generally. And I like it because, hey, it’s a pretty easy way to celebrate her birthday and all. Beats trying to throw a surprise party when we only know, say, our AirBnB host and the woman at the bakery who usually smiles at us.”
Sensationally Promoted Artistic Metro Stations “Kinda Neat”, Man Agrees
Sophia Loren’s Nipple Best Part of “Classic Naples Graffiti and Trash” Tour
Tourists Dining in Famous Eat Pray Love Pizzeria Make Shock Decision to Take Selfie with Photo of Julia Roberts
Canadian Man Baffled to Receive Replies in English After Starting Conversation in Italian
Castel Sant’Elmo, Naples – A visiting tourist confidently approached the ticket booth at popular Castel Sant’Elmo in central Naples yesterday, smiling knowingly before blurting out a brief, planned Italian sentence, to the obvious amusement of the man behind the glass.
“Bon-JOR-no! Doo-y bill-yeti, pair fah-VORE-ay”, he said, grinning proudly. Sadly, however, his foolish grin soon transformed to chagrin when the experienced castle employee responded in perfect English.
“Two tickets? That’ll be 5 euro, please.”
Which left two new mysteries for the visitor to ponder. Firstly, why was the entrance fee half-price – could it be a holiday or some special occasion? And, more importantly, why did this strange Italian man so casually assume he would understand English, despite posing his only question in impeccable Italian?
“It’s probably your hat”, suggested his wife helpfully.
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