Funny Sayings to Share a Laugh for Every Occasion

If you’re one of those people always looking to find the humor in things, you’re in luck because we have put together a list of all the best funny sayings for you to share. And if you’re looking for short funny quotes, we also have you covered.

Now go ahead and browse through to find your favorite.

Funny Sayings

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You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

“When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.” — Emo Phillips

My weight? Eh, I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.

“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.” — George Carlin

If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?

If you see nothing you could be grateful for, check your pulse.

It is not my fault that I never learned to accept responsibility!

If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

“One day you will do things for me that you hate. That is what it means to be family.” — Jonathan Safran Foer

Don’t worry. If Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.

“I realized my family was funny because nobody ever wanted to leave our house.” — Anthony Anderson

I walk around as though everything is fine, but deep down, on my right calf, my sock is sliding down.

The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day.

Excuse my naivety. I was born at a very early age.

Always end up phone calls like this: I have to run, the swing is free now.

Could you point me to the bathroom? I have a stool appointment.

I used to believe that all things must pass—until I got stuck behind a school bus.

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood.

My relationship is like an iPad. I don’t have an iPad.

“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti

The snorers are always the ones to fall asleep first.

In politics stupidity is not a handicap.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!

I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.

Death is hereditary.

I’m standing outside. In other words, I’m outstanding.

Don’t believe everything you think.

Of course my friends are crazy. Why else would they spend time with me?

You think my cat is crazy? You should see my best friend at 2 am.

There is no such thing as stupid questions..only stupid people

I’m not weird. I’m limited edition.

Whatever is eating you must be really hungry.

You know what they say: Dynamite comes in small packages.

Hangover: The revenge of the surviving brain cells for their fallen comrades.

If your parents never had children, chances are you won’t either.

I’d never pretend to not see you in public.

“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen

Are you unhappy? Are you alone? Fear not, the light is always on for you in the fridge.

If a market is well stocked, is it called the stock market?

“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” — Fats Domino

I’ll always send you my ugly selfies, and I’ll even let you share them.

“In some families, ‘please’ is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was ‘sorry’.” — Margaret Laurence

My favorite cookbook is a takeout menu.

When he talks, it isn’t a conversation. It’s a filibuster.

I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.

God, I want patience, and I want it now!

If a man said he’ll fix it, he’ll fix it. There is no need to nag him every 6 months about it.

I told you I was sick.

I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.

Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.

Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

You’re driving me crazy. Please pull over.

I think Alexa may be the ultimate mansplainer.

Anything done before the first coffee of the day could be classified as self-defense.

If you’re too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

Something about today makes me want to have a hangover tomorrow.

They say friends are the best therapy, but I don’t think it’s working…

Small son sitting on Daddy’s lap: “I’m still confused. Was I born in a nest or a hive?”

Finally, spring is here! I’m so stoked I wet my plants.

Ever noticed that humans cut down big birdhouses to make smaller birdhouses?

Somebody said today that I’m lazy. I nearly answered him.

There’s a lot to be said in his favor, but it’s not nearly as interesting.

You’re one of the few people I find tolerable.

 If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

I finally found a machine at the gym that I like: the vending machine.

I’m not crazy. My imaginary friends can prove it.

Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.

You’re sick in the head and a few other places too, but I know I’ll always love you.

Whoever said nothing is impossible never tried slamming a revolving door.

Yup, gravity still works!

I’d like to grow my own food, but I can’t find bacon seeds.

If you can’t laugh at yourself, I can help you out.

If pro is the opposite of con, what would then be the opposite of progress?

Finally, some peace and quiet!

Doing nothing is difficult. You never know when you’re finished.

Here’s to the friend who puts the “pop” in popcorn.

Can you hear that? That’s my pillow calling, and it gets really mean if I make it wait too long.

I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.

I’m really good at stuff until somebody watches me do that stuff.

“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?”  — Kin Hubbard

I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

“Stressed” is just “desserts” spelled backward.

If you can’t see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Everyone has the right to do stupid things, but you’re abusing that privilege.

To err is human. To arr is pirate.

Death is just one more thing to cross off my to-do list.

Well, I finally have a parking spot in this town.

I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.

I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.

He made one little blunder, now he’s six feet under.

Don’t believe everything you think.

I didn’t fall down—the floor needed a hug.

I’m so glad this family is on my side because they would make terrifying enemies.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

A best friend is someone who clears your search history immediately after you die.

You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?

I’m not the kind of guy to distance himself from anything… Far from it.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I never knew what happiness was until I got married—and then it was too late.

“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald

No, you’re not adopted. But we’ve placed an ad.

I actually sold the vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust.

I can’t brain today. I have the dumb.

It’s OK if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Here lies [Name]. Pardon me for not rising.

My brain says “crunches” but my stomach says “cupcakes.”

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.

She leaves me with the feeling that when we bury the hatchet she’ll mark the exact spot.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t taste your tongue?

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.

Sure, I can help you out. Which way did you come in?

Freedom means the right to yell, “THEATRE!” in a crowded fire.

The person who discovered milk. What was he doing?

An apple a day keeps the doctor away—if you throw it hard enough!

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

I think we’ll be friends forever because we’re too lazy to find new friends

What is the sound of no-hands texting?

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.

If the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off of it!

“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.” — Nancy Mitford

It doesn’t make sense because sense isn’t what it makes.

I’m already bringing myself, and you expect a board game, too?

My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up.

The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.

I can’t talk to you today. I talked to two people yesterday.

“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.” — Earl Wilson

If your friend asks for some of your chips, you can reply: There’s no ‘we’ in chips.

Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.

My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.

Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.

This isn’t a pyramid, but I guess it’s fine.

Sure, alcohol doesn’t solve any problems. But neither does milk.

The hot dog is the noblest of all dogs. It feeds the hand that bites it.

I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.

Sausage puns are the wurst.

My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”

My tallest finger loves giving standing ovations.

I don’t need a new hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.

I tried rearranging the letters in the alphabet, but U and I would never separate.

I am swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. 8 days ago.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

“It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.” — Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

“Family is just an accident. They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.” — Marsha Norman

Life is a bowl of soup, and I’m a fork.

A diamond is just a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

I never make the same mistake twice. I make it six or seven times, just to be sure.

Cancel my subscription—I don’t need your issues.

Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon.

You can’t believe everything you hear—but you can repeat it.

My imaginary friend thinks you have some serious problems.

See you in the zombie apocalypse.

I want to be unique! Just like everyone else.

Coffee: Because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm.

Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.

Learn from Pandora’s mistake—think outside the box.

Raised three daughters with only one bathroom and still loved them.

They’ve been treating me like one of the family, and I’ve put up with it for as long as I can.

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time-consuming.

You’re not made of sugar—you won’t melt.

Do you remember when I asked you to give me your opinion? Me neither.

Our child has a great deal of willpower—and even more won’t power.

My jeans say “eat a salad,” but my heart says “eat pizza.”

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.

Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.

I could read a book, but I just find that the letters get really repetitive after a while.

My brain has too many tabs open.

There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.

Everyone has a right to be stupid, but some (including me) abuse that privilege.

Children in the back seat cause accidents. Accidents in the back seat cause children!

If we were trapped on a deserted island, I’d wait as long as possible before going cannibal on you.

Why be moody when you can shake your booty?!

Willie Nelson told me I should stop name-dropping.

I went outside today. It was too hot, and there were people. Zero Stars.

Change is inevitable, except from a parking meter.

A wise man once told me to always listen carefully because…um…I can’t remember.

I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.

I’d be offended, but I’m too busy mentally correcting your grammar.

“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.” — Gracie Allen

“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

Support bacteria, they are the only culture some people have.

“Buffet” is a French word that means “get up and get it yourself.”

Hay is for horses.

When life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

I’m happy we live in modern times and I don’t have to hunt pizza myself.

“Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern…like bad wallpaper.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

Organized people are those who are just too lazy to find their things.

Died from not forwarding that email to 10 people.

If it requires fake smiling, I’m not going.

I found out why I’m single. It turns out you have to go outside and let people see you.

I do all my ironing in the dryer.

“There’s nothing that makes you more insane than family. Or more happy. Or more exasperated. Or more…secure.” — Jim Butcher

My neighbors listen to really good music. Whether they like it or not.

I have to plug in my phone to charge it so often that I pretty much have a landline again.

Here I am! What are your other two wishes?

Best friends share one heart… and maybe one brain, too.

I have neither the patience nor the coloring crayons to explain this to you.

That’s all, folks!

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!

I always say “Morning” instead of “Good morning”—if it were a good morning, I’d be sleeping and not talking to people.

There goes the neighborhood …

You can’t be late until you show up.

“Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” — George Carlin

To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

Hay is for horses.

I spent a lot of time, money and effort childproofing my house … but the kids still get in.

Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything.

Shh—I’m sleeping!

We’ve been friends so long I can’t remember who was the bad influence.

To twins: Which one of you looks more alike?

You can train a cat to do anything the cat wants to do at the moment it wants to do it.

Some days it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I’m so vain. I probably think this post is about me.

I like to stay home. It’s too peopley outside.

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

Do as I say, not as I do.

My favorite part of science has to be the peach tree dishes. I love the smell of peaches!

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.” — Rodney Dangerfield

Crazy copilots make for fun journeys and expected destinations.

I went to buy some camo pants, but I couldn’t find any.

There are more airplanes in the water than there are submarines in the sky.

May I please be excused? My brain is full.

“People who never do any more than they get paid for, never get paid for any more than they do.” — Elbert Hubbard

Wine: The WD-40 of parenting. (It’s worth repeating!)

God created the world. Everything else is made in China.

I used to think I was indecisive. But now I’m not so sure.

Whatever you’re doing, always give 100 percent. Unless you’re donating blood.

Why, yes, I had a nice trip. I’ll see you next fall.

If you do a job too well, you’ll get stuck with it.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Of course, I can keep secrets, but the people I tell them to obviously can’t.

So that is it for our list of Funny Sayings. We hope you found the perfect one for you!

If you like these, you might also want to check out our other lists of Short Funny Inspirational Quotes, Funny Winter Quotes, Funny Good Morning Quotes, Short Happy Birthday Messages, Short Funny Happy Birthday Wishes and Funny Valentine’s Day Letter Board Quotes.