It took us a long time to make it to the Stans but we’re glad we finally did. And by “Stans”, we mean specifically Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan and Tajikistan. Those 4 seemed like plenty for a 5-week trip to Central Asia. Unfortunately, the wait goes on for Turkmenistan, Pakistan and Afghanistan but, in the meantime, we very much enjoyed our time in these other unique, fascinating countries.
Of course, it’s worth noting that we didn’t exactly make it to every corner of those 4 either. While we spent 2 weeks in Kyrgyzstan, our entire visit took place in the north part of the country, mostly in the beautiful Tian Shan Mountains. And with just a week in Kazakhstan, we experienced mainly Almaty and the best natural attractions within a few hours of that justifiably popular city. Uzbekistan we explored pretty thoroughly, hitting the capital, Tashkent, and all three main Silk Road cities for multiple days each. Tajikistan, however, was given only a single day of our time, leaving plenty for us to explore next time around.
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My point is, we are not suddenly Central Asian experts. We ARE experts in many other things – travel spreadsheets, finding popcorn anywhere in the world and predicting upcoming Arsenal lineups, for example – but not necessarily experts on The Stans. At the same time, though, 5 weeks is not nothing. And in that time we certainly noticed a lot of interesting, unique and just plain weird stuff. Weird to us, of course, not to locals.
So, we have put together a list of everything we found odd, noteworthy, clever and totally whack during our time in the Stans. Not all of them apply to all four countries but a surprising number actually do, while most of the others may be limited to one or two countries but probably still aren’t considered particularly weird in the others.
Our Stans Journey
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Things to Know Before Visiting “The Stans”
Canadians can visit all 4 of these Stans visa-free. Just show up with a passport and a smile and you should be good to go. And even the smile isn’t strictly necessary, and it definitely will NOT be returned by any border officials.
These Stans were part of the Soviet Union until 1991, which probably explains how square the buildings are.
Pretty much everyone in the Stans speaks their main local language (Kyrgyz, Kazakh, Uzbek, Tajik) AND Russian. In some cities, Russian is actually the main language. Although, like in most of the world, it seems that many of the younger generation are now learning English instead.
Kyrgyz, Kazakh and Uzbek are all Turkic languages. Tajik, however, is Persian. Luckily for us, that didn’t change much as we speak none of them equally.
Kazakhstan is enormous. Bigger than the other three combined. So, if you’re planning to go there either narrow your trip down to a very specific region or wait for another visit when you can focus purely on Kazakhstan.
Although the Stans are Muslim countries, it isn’t particularly noticeable. Muslim-lite, let’s say, right down to the rather meek and apologetic calls to prayer.
Kyrgyz drivers, in particular, aren’t great. Pretty angry, though. Especially if a car in front of them is ever insanely rude enough to decide to turn left. The nerve. And God help them if they have to wait for oncoming traffic, too.
Taxis are cheap, though. And easy, especially if you use the YandexGo app. In some areas they will automatically charge your credit card, while in others you’ll still have to pay by cash but, either way, the price will be agreed ahead of time AND you don’t have to try to explain where you’re going.
Road cattle are pretty common in rural parts of Kyrgyzstan, Kazakhstan and Tajikistan. Not to mention road horses. Once, in eastern Kyrgyzstan, we drove into the perfect storm of both.
Another day we watched a guy pulling a horse cart with an eBike, like a scene out of a crappy amateur steampunk novel.
In Kyrgyzstan, tourists travel in classic old indestructible grey Soviet vans. In Uzbekistan, tourists travel in classic new eminently destructible white Chevy Cobalts.
The Stans haven’t reached full “cashless society” like China or even “your phone will usually do” like Southeast Asia but it is still possible to go cashless in a few places. And in some places, they will ring it in as though you paid by card but make you pay with cash anyway. Which I’m sure is beneficial for someone, but that someone is definitely not you.
Being four unique countries, I guess we shouldn’t find it surprising that all the Stans use completely different currencies. We still found it annoying, though.
Specifically, make sure you exchange any leftover Kazakh tenge before you leave the country because, let me assure you, nobody else wants anything to do with that stuff.
Colourful clothing is not so popular in the Stans but if you show up rocking a basic black and white outfit you’ll feel halfway to local status.
The Stans LOVE their chandeliers, possibly a remnant of former Soviet rule. Shiny, gaudy, ostentatious and so very, very gold – if there isn’t one hanging over your hotel bed then stay on high alert because something is definitely up.
Sometimes there will also be a correspondingly ostentatious headboard. And, sometimes, I might almost lose an eye to that damned thing.
Showerhead wall brackets are rare and even when they exist, they are usually either broken or the hose won’t… quite… reach that far. Long story short, I am now well-practiced at showering sitting down. And not particularly happy about it.
The beef is always better than the chicken. And the chicken is often as close as you’ll get to a vegetarian option.
Plov is one of the most popular dishes all over the Stans. It consists of rice topped with fried vegetables and fried beef (although vegetarian options do exist). I would call it “pretty good”. But I would call this awesome shirt I picked up in Samarkand, “even better”.
In the Stans, the plates are small and the spoons are long. Which sounds like the start of a clever folk saying but, unfortunately, it’s not.
Tourists often judge other tourists who eat at American fast-food chains in other countries. But, believe me, if you truly want to eat like the locals, check out a downtown KFC at 5:30 pm on a weekday.
Some hotels provide large refillable water jugs. Others still insist on using tiny disposable plastic bottles. And clearly believe they are doing you a favour.
In many restaurants, you’ll find a box of rubber gloves on the table. For eating with, hopefully.
With only occasional exceptions, the bread is going to be terrible.
With only occasional exceptions, the toilet paper is going to be terrible.
If you run across a Canada Hot Dogs franchise in Uzbekistan, it means their hot dogs probably don’t have horsemeat in them. Which is nice, of course, but also immediately casts doubt on every other hot dog you’ve had.
Do NOT order fish at a restaurant in the middle of the Uzbek desert. Which seems somewhat obvious, in hindsight.
They also have a somewhat wet and tasteless – but popular – food unappealingly called “jizz”. Chicken jizz. Beef jizz. Usually it ends with those two, but not always, unfortunately.
There was a major international chess championship taking place in Samarkand while were there. But Anna Taylor-Joy wasn’t involved, so neither were we.
You’ll see lots of cats and hardly any dogs. Much quieter but far more judgemental.
The sheets are almost never as big as the bed.
I’m happy to report that The Human Hotel in Tashkent is, in fact, staffed by humans. Which was certainly a relief.
Other than Bishkek, most of the cities in the Stans are filled with trees. Which provides shade, scenery and, well, that’s about it. But those are two pretty big things.
If you like statues of old war heroes, well, boy, oh, boy, have I got the place for you.
Summary
The Stans are great. Not the “best” or “most” of anything specifically (except maybe chandeliers) but friendly, diverse, exotic and often beautiful. Kyrgyzstan and Tajikistan feature wall-to-wall gorgeous mountains, spectacular alpine lakes and great hiking, while Kazakhstan also has beautiful mountain scenery and a wide variety of destinations because, as I mentioned earlier, it is HUGE. Uzbekistan, meanwhile, is the place to go for fascinating Silk Road cities and evocative history and architecture. Plan accordingly!
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